Top Dog

2006-06-19T20:42:00.000-04:00

I went to my first Hamilton Pride this last weekend. Considering that the parade route was just a few steps from my front door it was hard to find an excuse not to attend.

I've been questioning the value of Pride parades the last couple of years. The Toronto Pride experience has gone from courageous to nauseating in just a few short years as it's become a victim of its own commercial success. Don't get me wrong, I like to see hot, almost-nude boys dancing on floats sponsored by breweries trying to attract my gay dollars. And the thought of almost a million supporters is heart warming. But when there's such acceptance by the mainstream that that everyone feels free treating the whole weekend like a fuckfest, it sort of looses its magic.

But Hamilton is different. This year, as the parade passed the sports bars on James St., some manly soccer fans shouted obscenities and tried to poke the participants with their Portuguese flags. I always thought that soccer fans look like fucking idiots driving up and down the street with flags. But that's nothing compared to how pathetic some drunken closet cases looked using flags as weapons against some harmless drag queens.

Of course they were the minority. Most people were supportive. And by now, most of us know that the biggest queer bashers are in fact the biggest closet homos. I felt no sympathy as they acted out their homophobia the only way they knew how. For them, I only felt embarrassment because they seemed to be the only ones who didn't know they were gay too. Did they not see the phallic irony as they assaulted the queens with those flag poles?

Anyhow, cretins aside, the rest of the day was great as everyone basked in the sun, ate, drank and listened to some good music. By nightfall, everyone retreated back to the clubs where gay life goes on the other 364 days of the year.

I'm convinced that Pride is still relevant and in many places, still needed. I’ll probably go to next year’s parade to offer my support. Maybe next year, we’ll see the Portuguese soccer fans marching in the parade with rainbow flags.

My new neighbours are butt plugs

2006-04-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

A lovely gay couple moved in next door. I would have assumed that was a good thing until I realized that at least one of them has an attitude (two if you count their dachshund).

Within a week of them moving in, both D and I had to go over and ask them to turn down the music. Both times, we spoke to Rapheal (I think that's his name), and he seemed a bit defensive but apologetic and said he'd try to keep it down.

I really thought it was over with until this last Sunday when the tunes started coming through the wall louder than ever. It was some horrid gay-dance-anthem like something that would make a good soundtrack to a queer-themed TV drama. I don't know exactly what it was but I'm sure that if I heard it in a club I would not be running to the DJ booth to ask who it was. But that's not important. What's important is that it was loud enough for me to hear and dance to if I was so inclined.

But I didn't want to dance so I put on some pants and knocked on the door. Raphael's other half opened the door and I tried to start the conversation on a polite tone. I was like "I'm not sure if you know this but that music comes right through my wall." I assumed he'd be as nice as the other guy but instead he told me "I don't think it's loud." He wasn't wearing a shirt by the way, and he held his door open with one hand while he rested the other one defiantly on his hip. He had this "So what are you gonna do about it" look on his face.

I told him he might not think it's loud but I could still hear it coming through my wall and the condo rules say I shouldn't have to hear any noise from other units. Then he got super-queeny on me and said "You can't tell me what I can do in here. I "OWN" this place. Then (with one eyebrow raised and half a smirk) he gave me this look like he was sure he just played the trump card. I paused, then reminded him that I also owned my place and that I don't have to listen to noise from other units (both eyebrows raised and head slightly turned and tilted forward awaiting his response).

I think my eyebrows were way more sarcastic by the way.

I felt a bit bad for him. I'm sure he was all exited about buying a home and he thought I was just pissing on his parade. But come on, does he really think his money is better than his neighbours and that the rules don't apply to him? I felt a bit embarrased for him as it occured to him that this building was, in fact, full of owners and that he was not an owner amongst renters. Yes, shirtless neighbour, we pay a mortgage too.

I tried to tell him once more that I shouldn't be bothered by noise from other units but he said I couldn't do anything because it was only ten and I couldn't complain about noise until eleven (not true by the way, urban myth). Then he gave me some "I don't give a fuck" look and closed the door.

Meanwhile, D was back at home looking up the condo rules (which is exactly what I wanted). I grabbed them, made a photocopy, hi-lited the applicable rule and went next door. I decided that I didn't want to talk to butt plug again so I just slid it under the door less than a minute after he closed it on me.

Sometime later, we noticed the paper had been given back to us (slid under the door). I don't know if he was trying to be defiant but it didn't matter because the music had been turned down. If this guy wants to be queen of the lofts, I'll buy him a tiara. But he will never be a bigger bitch than I can be. I hope for his sake he never finds that out.

2006-03-18T20:04:00.000-05:00

Someone stole my coffee mug at work today. How ghetto is that? I went to the kitchen area, filled the kettle with water and left for a few minutes. When I got back, the kettle was still full and boiling but my mug was gone. Looks like someone needed a cold drink.

I'm still on the steroids so I probably let it bother me more than I should. But I'd grown attached to it. It was given to me when we still had our old logo and it was a very attractive mug. A new one just won't look the same. I was tempted to walk around and seize it off the offender's desk or maybe put up a sign in the kitchen with a pointed message about the intregity of bank employees who steal. But I decided to let it go. I took a deep breath and returned to my desk with an unused earl grey tea bag.

So I need a new mug. I can't decide if my new one should be something no one would ever want like something that celebrates diversity in the workplace with a queer-positive message and covered in rainbows. But no, I don't want to out myself with a coffee mug. I want a cool mug. Something with a monkey on it. I'll make that my mission tomorrow: buy the coolest mug.

2006-03-02T21:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, remembering your dreams is fun when you try to piece bits of them together the next day. Other times it’s just disturbing.

In one part of a dream I remember from last night, I was either a corpse or some kind of accident victim and at the same time I was either an undertaker or doctor. I had to assemble tattered bloody bits of me together on a table. Some parts were warm and gave me hope that if I worked fast enough, I would be able to save myself. Other parts were so cold and mangled that it was clear nothing could be done.

In the next scene, my stomach split open below my belly button and my small intestines began to fall out. I was because I had been bitten by a caterpillar. One of the black fuzzy kind. Someone (either D or my sister) squished the caterpillar with the end of a broom handle as it tried to leave. Clearly they had everyone’s safety in mind but I felt bad that the bug got squished.

2006-02-19T11:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't been bitching here much recently. I was torn trying to decide if putting my rants etc. into written word was really venting and had some value, or if it was reinforcing negative feelings and patterns. I can say with certainty that both are true. Sometimes it's good (or at least it feels good) to write shit down as you work things out. And sometimes it's a waste of time because, in the end, nothing changes until you change it.

But I do miss the complaining. I also miss writing some random observations as they occur to me. Flatlinegirl's Le Chateau bag in a tree reminded me that there's a lot of things to complain about that don't necessarily distract you from having a healthy perspective.

I'm also feeling a bit less like I need to complain. I think I'm over the worst of my steroid-induced mood swings. My doses are getting lower and I'm feeling a bit more normal. I went shopping yesterday and noticed I didn't want to shove confused seniors out of my way as they shuffled up the aisles.

Recently, my doctor changed my diagnosis from colitis to Crohn's disease which is supposedly not a good thing. The good news (if you can call it good) about colitis is that it could be "cured" with surgical removal of your colon.(?) That would be good news if you were bleeding to death but most people I know wouldn't consider that a miracle of modern medicine. Crohn's disease has no such "cure." So I guess it fills the future with a bit more uncertainty but since there is little I can do about it I'll just take things day by day.

In the meanwhile, I'm taking Imuran now. It's an anti-rejection drug that's normally used for transplant patients but it helps with Crohn's too. It takes a long time to work. I've been on it for a month now and getting weekly blood tests and so far I'm tolerating the drug OK. It doesn't seem to be helping yet but it can take months to have an effect. I'm hoping it starts to work by the time I stop taking prednisone so I can get off it and stay off it. I'd like to be not-bitchy and not-sick when summer gets here.

The only thing I'll miss about prednisone is the hair growth. I swear that some thin spots on my beard have started to fill in and my chest hair is a bit more dense. Having the thing for body hair that I do, I'll miss it if I loose it.

Things that piss me off

2006-02-05T20:25:00.000-05:00

Prednisone is a wonderful drug. It controls my illness better than anything I've tried so far. But it's starting to make my face puffy and it fucks up my sleep and gives me weird dreams (unless I take it early in the morning). Did I mention that it also gives me the worst mood swings. I've learned from experience that when things are starting to bother me, I have to say so right away. If I don't, something snaps, I loose my temper, and then the cat gets upset with me.

Going out in public can be a chore. I was shopping in Longo's yesterday and it was all I could do not to tell some old ladies to get the fuck out of my way with their shopping carts full of red meat and herbal tea. No matter which way I moved, someone else got in my way and everyone was taking their sweet time poking around. I almost had to abandon my shopping cart and leave before I assaulted someone with a tin of frozen fruit juice.

So that's number one on my list of piss-offs....people who mill about and get in my way.

Number two is my upstairs neighbour who has to drop shit on the floor every fucking night. I'm serious, if she's not clicking around in her hoochie-boots she's dropping pocket-change, silverware, her remote control, marbles or something. I want to go up and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. But if I do, I'm afraid she'll tell me she's got ALS or something and I'll feel like shit.

Number three is people who don't listen. I don't mind helping people at work. But some people have thick skulls and I get pissed when I have to repeat myself. I'm starting to get a bit rude with some people. I mean, if you don't understand English, I can't help you.

Four - the vague feeling I'm being judged or criticized. I don't normally care what people think and I can usually let stuff go. But these days I have zero tolerance for anyone who thinks they know better than me. About my own life that is. There's a lot I've lived through and a lot I live with that makes me who I am. I'm one of the last people to judge others. So if you don't like something about be, just fuck off. Don't stand there waiting for me to tell you twice....FUCK OFF

Five - shitty porn.

Six - bad strippers. Especially ones with flat feet. You shouldn't be stepping on stage without good arches.

Seven - Stephen Harper. Or anyone else who looks like they're wearing a hair piece and lip gloss.

Eight - The middle aged women who giggled during scenes of Brokeback Mountain with man-man sex or intimacy. I found it kind of hot but a group of sex-deprived housefraus thought it was all funny. If they think that's funny I have some porn that will have them rolling on the floor.

Nine - People who piss in my alley and the smell of urine that sometimes makes it's way into the garbage room downstairs.

Ten - People who have nothing nice to say.

2006-01-02T22:47:00.000-05:00

Ya, so, I'm still here. Haven't written much recently for a couple of reasons. First, and most importantly, D was checking out some website and got lured into downloading some strange shit that totally fucked up the computer. He trusted the site because it was mentioned in a print publication. I wouldn't expect someone to promote a site that installed malicious software. But believe it or not, that's what happened.

The other reason is because I was on vacation for a week and I had a couple of long weekends and I had a very long to-do list. I've been busy. But now the ice maker works on the fridge, my dishwasher works, the cat's been spayed and declawed (poor girl), the curtains are up and....the computer is fixed (somewhat), etc, etc.

I've still got a lot of stuff I want to get done and I'll be a couple of weeks doing it all. It's suprising how productive I can be when I'm not looking at dick or writing about it.

Dear Diary

2005-12-04T23:43:00.000-05:00

Thursday sucked. Colonoscopes are supposed to be flexible but this one felt more like being impaled on rebar. I blame the pain on the inexperienced doctor who seemed to be in training and couldn't make it go around corners. The drugs did little for the pain. They only made me relax instead kicking my impaler in the teeth.

Friday sucked too. I had to take an extra day off work because I still felt fucked up. I rested all day and in the evening I washed my bedsheets so everything would feel fresh and I could get a good rest. The cat had other plans. She's in heat and pissed on the bed while I loaded the washer. Fortunately (for me anyway) it was on D's side of the bed but I still had to act fast.

D has always insisted on having a mattress pad and I hated it until I took it off and saw that cat piss never touched the mattress. Now, I don't think it's a bad thing. One wash in hot water with copious amounts of bleach and it's good as new.

Saturday was better and I was no longer in pain. First thing was first and I made an appointment with the vet to get the cat fixed. Her calls haven't bothered me at all until this time. Now, she makes more noise in one evening that she used to make in a 2 week cycle. We can't be kept up all night and I don't tolerate cat pee on my bed so her time has come to go under the knife.

FLG and I went out in the afternoon and shopped. I had some questions for her; I wanted answers as to why Jeebus (see Oct 11th) would want samiches and eggs for lunch but I'm still not sure I understand. Maybe it's like the trinity.

D was supposed to come with me today to get a Christmas tree. He changed his mind so I went alone. It was extremely cold in Ancaster and I lost feeling in my fingers (and my patience) trying to fit the seven foot balsam fir in my sedan. But I'm glad it's here. Tomorrow we'll decorate.

And today I found a fun song online so it was a good day. I like hearing covers of Stairway. CBC had a special once and they played one in Bluegrass, one Classical and one by Dolly Parton but I never heard the Gilligan version.

Fuck

2005-11-29T22:27:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd bottomed out with the colitis and had started the road to recovery with my new course of steroids. I'm not feeling too bad actually and I'm getting better sleep. But my doctor called this morning with some blood test results and now I learn that I have anemia too.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I thought it was just low blood iron and it could be easily remedied (which is probably true in my case). But now I find out it can be a serious problem. I'm a bit upset that I've probably had this for a couple of months but it took so long to see my doctor. I know what to look for now and it probably won't advance as far again but it's still upsetting. No fucking wonder I haven't felt like doing shit.

And of course, my most prominent symptom today was blood loss. I can't start taking iron until after my test Thursday. So now that I'm aware I have a problem, I have to watch it get worse and I can't do anything about it for a couple of days. And I'm very aware of my rapid heart beat the whole time.

Fuck.

Random thoughts

2005-11-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

Apparently some "stranger" approached D in the mall and told him to read my blog. I doubt I have that many readers so I have my suspicions about the story. I was annoyed at first and then felt bad about what I wrote. Then, I realized I hadn't written anything that D and I hadn't talked about or fought about. So even though he probably didn't like to see it in print, it couldn't have been a shock. We're working on communication skills right now which we needed to do anyway. So everything seems ok right now.

I think Madonna looks stupid trying to keep up and krump like the blacks and latinos in her video. Does anyone believe that people like that would actually krump to baroque synthesizer music?

Knit it, and they will cum. I found a link to this on fleshbot. I don't know what's more amusing, the juxtaposition of kink and comfort or the picture of an entrepreneurial German grandmother knitting her way into a new market niche.

I think the saying "You can't take it with you" is stupid. People use it when referring to money and death. But you can't fucking take anything with you can you?

I'm on heavy doses of prednisone again. I'm glad for the relief it's bringing but I've only been on it one day and my sleep patterns are already fucked. I'll be good and bitchy by Sunday and I dread the challenge of trying to communicate better with D while suppressing the urge to throw furniture.

I'm booked for another colonoscopy Thursday next week. Yay. A day of hunger followed by a morning on the toilet (pissing out of my ass) followed by a camera stuck so far up my ass I can see my nose hairs (you get to watch it live on TV!). Not to mention my colon being inflated like an inner tube. Thank god my doctor is generous with the valium.

I'm learning about agricultural lending at work. Today I learned how to properly collateralize a cow.

I like cows.

2005-11-11T11:49:00.000-05:00

I think I want some brown shoes.

Chaucer and Shaft

2005-10-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

Two of my favourites, together at last:

Wha be tha blake prevy lawe
That bene wantoun too alle tha feres?
SHAFT!
Ya damne righte!

Wha be tha carl tha riske is hals wolt
Fro is allye leve?
SHAFT!
Konne ye?

Wha be tha carl wha ne wolden flee
Whan peril bene all aboughte?
SHAFT!
Verray!

Alle clepe tha carl ane badde mooder-F
SOFTE!
Speken of Shaft bene I.
THAN KONNE ALLES WE!

He be a man konne unnethes
Namo save is mayde konnes im.
JOHN SHAFT!

Found on: http://www.livejournal.com/users/geoff_chaucer/7400.html

V A C A T I O N

2005-10-24T21:50:00.000-04:00

Yay, it's the time of year I dream of. When I can go where I want when I want for a week and sleep in as late and often as I wish.

Unfortunately, it's not D's dream. He's just plain pissy about something and I don't want to be around him. He finished his job at the same time my vacation started so I have to contend with him at home bitching about the fact I haven't cleaned something, or complaining that something or other is "filthy." "Filthy" is his only word to describe things that don't smell like chlorine bleach. It's also his word that says whatever is "filthy" is that way because I didn't clean it recently enough.

All the man did on the weekend was complain that he didn't want to go out. He was more than unpleasant with me so I offered to spend the rest of my week without involving him. He seemed fine with it until this morning when he started to assign domestic duties and ask where we were going that day.

I think he's just a bitter man and I'm tired of feeling sorry for him. He wants to stay home but he also doesn't want me to go out on my own. Oh no, I can't go out alone. I might have fun and enjoy my day without him so he insists on tagging along and then wrecking the day with endless bitching.

A typical conversation with D involves me listening to him and agreeing with everything he says. He often follows his own train of thought and finishes a converstation by inventing laws that would prevent people from doing things he doesn't agree with. If I stop listening he gets sarcastic about me not contributing to the conversation.

If I say anything, besides uh-huh, he already knows it. Even if it's headline news, he knows already. Often, he has to tell me how long he's known for. It goes like this:

(Driving by a demolition site on Plains Road)

Top Dog: Aww, look they tore down that old brick building that had the clock tower in front.

D: Christ, they did that two weeks ago. Where have you been?

Top Dog: Sorry, I don't come here every day. That's too bad they couldn't find another use for it.

D: They should not be allowed to do that. The city should pass a law to stop developers from ruining all these nice old buildings.

Top Dog: (nauseated by yet another draconian proclamation from D) MmmHmm

D: They're destroying all these beautiful buildings when they should be restoring them.

Top Dog: (remaining silent so as not to fan the flames of yet another tirade)

D: (Mockingly) Oh really!, yes, mmhmm, that's right, I'm having a conversation by myself.

I guess he'll be having a lot of conversations by himself. I've decided no to bring him out for the rest of the week. Maybe I'll go out, and get my car fixed, then spend some time in Toronto getting laid.

Not that this will make your day...

2005-10-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

but it made mine. I got a promotion Friday. Not only did I get elevated to a higher job category but my new sales manager felt I was underrated in my current category. So I got bumped up a category and raised within my new pay band and I got what was in my manager's words "a big fat raise." Really. I have a feeling she wanted to say "a big fat fucking raise" because that's what it was but we don't talk like that at work (most times). I had no idea this was possible anymore in this day and age.

For the first time since I graduated, I don't think I'm being underpaid for what I do or that I'm doing work that anyone could do.

It might be time revisit my "co-parenting with lesbians" plans. I'm not going to be rolling in money or anything but I could afford to support a child or two. Better than to piss it away on a car or something.

What's wrong with people?

2005-10-20T21:37:00.000-04:00

More specificly, what's wrong with these fucking people?

Jesus christ! It's not 1800! Your kids will likely survive childhood so there's no need to have more than 12 of them. I'm sure at least 1 or 2 will live long enough to have kids of their own. Fuck, her twat must be tired. But Jim Bob (yes, he's really called that) must like it sloppy because they're ready for child number 17.

I haven't even mentioned mom's wicked mullet. Check out the photos on the family's web site. She's had the same goddamn hair since she got married. What's worse, the daughters are damned with mom's hair.

Have a look at the list of the family's favourite web sites. My new favourite site is the one for Wholesome, Modest Swimwear. I'm sure mom only thinks it's right to dress modestly. The poor woman looks like she gets fucked every time she fluffs her mullet. Imagine what an animal Jim Bob would be if she wore a really hot two piece!

Fucking Christians

2005-10-11T23:28:00.000-04:00

I went to church because my mother made me, my brother and sister go. Mom was pressured to go by her father and her holier-than-thou siblings. My dad was smart and stayed at home. My mom made friends at church and would occasionally let them take us on Sundays when she wouldn’t be able to go.

I wouldn't have minded it so much at the time if a "friend" of a "friend's" family didn't make repeated attempts to molest me over the years. Whenever my mother wasn't around, he would notice my shirt was untucked. Then he'd tuck it in and feel my dick and ass while he was at it. Funny thing was, I made conscious efforts to tuck in my shirt perfectly every Sunday but it was never quite to his satisfaction.

Other times when my siblings and I stayed the night at the friend's house, the old pervert would come over for dinner and or stay the night. After dinner, he'd cuddle me inappropriately and even offer to help by giving me a bath before bed. Thank god he never got me naked and he was never given a room to share with me or my brother.

So that probably explains my attitude towards fucking christians. It's not an overly simple association between church and violation of my personal space. It's a general intolerance for anyone who imposes anything on me from unwanted advances to religion.

The experience also demonstrated to me, at a young age, how pathetic so-called christians can be. I remember standing in the pew at St. Paul's in Hamilton, almost crying, while an old closeted pedophile fag groped me. No one else at church ever noticed. Not even the old ladies standing right beside me. They must have been busy saying their prayers or paying their tithes. Too busy trying to buy their way into heaven to notice what was going on beside them.

I also remember being at someone's house while the same old fucker groped at my groin. No one stopped him. I can remember how they all looked away uncomfortably and how relief finally took hold after I pushed my assailant away one evening. (The pattern of putting up with bullshit for long periods and then suddenly standing up for myself has also stayed with me)

Thinking back now I believe these people would have had a much easier time scolding their un-neutered German Shepard for humping a guest. But they were at a loss to do the same thing to a respected church elder who liked young boys. I know they knew what he was like because I remember them saying things like “Mr. Smith lives with Mr. (whatever) now”, “They’re both widowers and they spend a lot of time together”, “Mr. Smith went a little ‘funny’ after his wife died.” Ya, real funny.

I see a parallel between them sitting in their own living room while I was being molested and sitting in church like automatons. At their home, they knew I was being felt-up but they sat around uncomfortably and pretended not to notice the injustice in their midst. They acted like they preferred not to embarrass their friend rather than take a stand. At church, they obediently prayed, sang in the choir, and generally did things that other would like them to do. I'm sure that if they suspected their religion preached hate and intolerance, they just ignored it rather than take the risk of upsetting anyone.

So I pretty much don't give a fuck about christians. Until I can understand how anyone can watch a child get molested and look the other way I'm not about to change my mind. Yes, there are nice christians out there somewhere just like there are nice muslims but that's no reason to join the taliban. My holier-than-thou aunts and uncles are fucked too by the way. Years of sermons have done nothing to help them change their disfunctional lives. Fuck them all.

There's nothing like

2005-10-08T11:10:00.000-04:00

talking to an old friend. Someone I'd lost touch with has moved back to Hamilton, temporarily at least, and we spoke on the phone last week. My friendship with R dates back to the eighties when he knew he was gay, he sensed I was gay and I suspected that I might be gay but hoped to hell I wasn't.

I haven't come out to him yet but these things have a way coming out into the open and it's possible he's heard already. My only apprehension is how he might react to the fact I'm not out to my family. Some gays are intolerant of closets around them or anyone else. I find the more "out" I am, the less patience I have for people who are more "in". I'd never "out" anyone because I believe other people have a right to live their lives the way they want. Someone tried to do that to me once and it was cruel. I have a gut feeling who it was it's not important now.

I just dont have patience for guys who want to hook up; at my place, discretely, on their schedule because wifey might find out. My own shrinking closet is my problem but I won't be confined by anyone elses. I'll make an exception if a guy is sufficiently hot but it's rare. Why would I go through that much trouble when I can walk out my door and have my cock in someones mouth in minutes?

I don't think R is judgemental like that so I don't think he'll get all political on me. But either way, I'd like to get things out in the open when we meet next week. From what I hear, he was apprehensive as well that I might not like him or I might feel awkward about his gayness (and rumoured attraction to me in high school). I'm sure we'll both appreciate putting it all in the past.

I have spiders

2005-10-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

I think everyone has them. I don't usually think about them and since I moved into a new building, I was living in a bubble thinking there were no bugs in here with me. I don't usually mind spiders (or anything with eight legs or less) but this one bothered me. He, and I'm sure it's a he, turned to face me when I got close to him. It seemed like a sign of agression.

I was freaked out a bit because I got so close I could see lots of details like the orange dot on his back and his striped, hairy legs. He had a very recognizable face so I went and did a search online to see if I could identify who my new roommate was.

He's a common black jumping spider and he's not poisonous. I'm glad I checked becasue that night I could see him on the face of my clock as I tried to sleep. I'd have been up all night if I thought he could take me down.

I haven't seen him in a few days. I hope he's alright.

Has Darth Sidious been cloned?

2005-10-02T09:52:00.000-04:00

I wanted to ask "Separateed at birth?" But someone else on Blogger noticed the resemblance and used the idea already. The first thing I thought when I saw Benedict, after I hoped for his hastened death, was "That's the evil guy from Star Wars".

Blessed be the beasts

2005-09-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

I took Darcy to a Buddhist Pet Blessing last weekend. For some reason, when I tell people I did this I also have to explain that I'm not Buddhist (or anything in particular for fuck sakes). Their reactions make me a bit uncomfortable. You'd think I just told them I was gay or something.

I saw an article in the Hamilton Spectator last Friday and decided, impulsively, that I had to go. Summer is almost gone and I've done very little on impulse recently. The opportunity to take Darcy to the Royal Botanical Gardens and get blessed in the presence of the relic of Shakyamuni himself was one I couldn't pass up. I don't know how anyone could for that matter. (Why would you not want to dissolve bad Karma and speed your pet's path to enlightenment?) To my knowledge, the Buddha doesn't travel much and I think it may be a while before he's back in Hamilton (like another 2500 years maybe).

One friend was supposed to bring her dogs. She backed out at the last minute after her mother decided that it all seemed cultish(?). Flatlinegirl considered bringing a cat or two but decided not to after realizing that there could be some vaccination issues. She did bring her bf and kids though and we made an afternoon of it. She says she has pictures but it looks like I won't see them until she gets her computer issues sorted out.

The picture above was taken by another friend I happened to meet there. That thing being held over my head actually contains some remains of the real Buddha. Both Darcy and I took the blessing. Afterward, Darcy was given a symbolic piece of red string with an eternity knot to protect her health and we circumambulated the tent three times clockwise. I chatted with FLG and co as we walked around. I think Darcy used the time to contemplate compassion towards all sentient beings...

We checked out the rest of the relic tour afterward. On display were remains of many believed to have achieved enlightenment. It was interesting but not as much as the blessing which was a bit surreal and strangely calming.

I just realized Darcy's harness and leash match the monk's robes.

P is for Prednisone

2005-09-03T10:21:00.000-04:00

I had to see my family doctor because my specialist is away and he left no alternate arrangements for his patients while he's fishing at the cottage, painting in Venice or whatever the fuck he's doing.

I got a prescription for prednisone which is a relief and a bit scary at the same time. It's pretty serious stuff and it's the first medication I had to take that potentially has serious side effects. But I'm so sick I'll gladly take it. I don't care if it makes my bones brittle or if it gives me mood swings. I couldn't possibly be more cranky these days anyway.

It's my second day on it and I've noticed a lot of secondary symptoms subside. My joints don't ache anymore which is a good thing because my arm was hurting so much I thought the screws were coming out of my plate and I'd need surgery again. I don't feel light headed and I can concentrate better. I still need to use the washroom a lot and that might take a few days to change. That's ok with me because it's the long weekend and I can stay inside if I need to.

My dad used to say

2005-09-01T12:43:00.000-04:00

if it wasn't for bad luck he'd have no luck at all. I don't usually buy into defeatist mantras but on a day like today I think I understand him.

I'm still sick. My extra medication is lovely but it only reduces pain and allows me to walk to the bathroom instead of run. I've yet to sleep more than 2 hours uninterupted since I started taking it. I called my specialist and his receptionist said I can't see him before November 23 (2005!). I told her that won't do and explained my situation. She can't do anything at the moment because the doctor is on vacation. I'll hear back next week.

I called my family doctor who is also away today. He'll be in tomorrow morning so I have to wait another day to get more help which I badly need. At some points I need to visit the washroom every ten minutes. I hope I'm doing better when I have to go pick up D from work or else he's going to have a long walk ahead of him.

What's my secret

2005-08-27T09:45:00.000-04:00

to staying slim? Simple, it's called Ulcerative Colitis!

I weighed myself this morning and was shocked to see I'd dropped to 155 pounds. That's my thinest ever, it's 20 to 25 pounds off my average and 50 pounds off my heaviest. No wonder my pants have been falling off me.

At work Thursday I got a fever with chills (which can happen with UC) and the only way I could warm up was to sit in my car that had been parked in the sun. I had to sit there for 20 minutes to warm up. I could barely go back in to finish my shift and I was so glad I only had stay for another half hour before I got to go home.

I had a horrible night as I was up at least 10 to 12 times to go the the washroom. Once I had to go three times in fifteen minutes. By the time I got up in the morning I knew another day at work would be impossible so I called in sick.

It turned out to be my lucky day because I got a call from Purolator saying my birth certificate had arrived and I could pick it up at their depot. I used up the last of my steroid prescription so I could make the trip and waited a couple of hours for it to kick in. After I got my birth certificate, I went to the OHIP office and got my health card replaced. By then it was too late to see my doctor but I went to the Westdale walk-in-clinic and asked for more medication. The doctor had a great manner and gave me 5 times more than I probably needed without any questions asked. I was so relieved I could have cried.

Then my asshole boyfriend called and told me he couldn't cover my shift (for my part time security job) and not only that....I was already late for work. Every Friday I start at seven but yesterday they needed me at five. I asked what he would have done if I had worked at the bank today and couldn't get there before seven. He said he would have replaced me. I was furious. He can't replace me when I feel like I'm on my death bed but he can threaten to cut a shift if I can't be in two places at once.

I gave him shit. First, we agreed at the beginning of the season that I would always start at seven so if he needed me earlier then it was his tough luck. Second, he had a bit of attitide and I gave it back to him. He needed my car to work on another production last night so if he wanted to borrow it instead of walking home he had to hear me out. And he did.

So, anyhow, I'm at home today and probably not going out (except to get my prescription filled). I'm hoping that I can rest up this weekend and be effective at the bank Monday instead of spending half the day in the washroom.

Men in Pink

2005-08-13T10:09:00.000-04:00

I was shopping at Limeridge last week and I saw some men's pink dress socks merchandised next to some pink dress shirts. How gay! I mean that in the eighties sense of the word. I just don't understand how ugly clothing of any sort ever becomes a trend.

If I close my eyes and think real hard I can imagine a guy looking good in pink and there are some guys who can wear anything. But I think most men can't pull it off.

In the eighties, they used to say a if a guy was able to wear pink it meant he was comfortable with his masculinity. But the guys I see wearing pink (including a little swish at work with a pink aviator scarf) look more comfortable with the idea that they have no masculinity whatsoever.

While Showering

2005-08-06T10:28:00.000-04:00

I got tea tree shampoo in my eyes and now they feel minty.

I swear

2005-08-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

I didn't do it on purpose. With all my ranting you'd think I could strangle D this week. But I got back at him and it was by complete accident!

First, I was being Molly Maid over the weekend and I did laundry Saturday. D always says he cleans his pockets so I didn't bother to check them that day. And I washed his text pager for work. I felt bad and I didn't apologize. I was surprised, he didn't mind too much because he thought it was lost. He's handing it back to the production for a new one in exchange.

Then, tonight, I told him I wasn't feeling well and I asked if he would pick up something for dinner. We agreed on My Thai and he asked me to order. When he got there he had to call because they had no idea why he was there and there no orders for pick up. If I know D he would have been making a little scene out of it because he was sure someone there made a mistake.

Then I realized, I'd called Thai Tamarind around the corner and not My Thai. D felt like an ass. I did apologize for that but I couldn't stop laughing at how mad he was. He was still blushing when he got home!

Really, it was an accident.

Corn Relish

2005-08-02T07:55:00.000-04:00

Sure, it may be great on hotdogs and it might look like orange marmalade sitting there in your fridge door. But it's just not good on toast with a cup of tea.

I

2005-08-01T18:50:00.000-04:00

I’m 37 years old.

I’m gay.

I have a sick (sometimes cruel) sense of humour.

I can speak German and Japanese with moderate fluency.

I’m a good cook but I don’t often get a chance to show off.

I have an adorable cat.

I have trouble speaking up and saying what I want.

I don't like to take shit from anyone.

I have a near-photographic memory some times and a near-pornographic imagination the rest of the time.

I like my job, most days.

I’d like to have more free time to waste doing absolutely nothing but following my nose.

I have a degenerative autoimmune disorder that eats away at my insides and makes life difficult on good days.

Two days short of my 21st birthday I lost a very close girlfriend in an accident. I was lucky to live through it myself. That kind of thing is life changing.

I briefly abused alcohol until I realized it wasn’t doing much more than numbing me from the things I couldn’t bring myself to deal with. I don’t think I was a full fledged alcoholic or anything but it was an unproductive time in my life.

I know life could be worse.

I’m strongly right brained.

I have a boyfriend who pisses me off but I’d still do anything for him.

I’d probably give most people the shirt off my back for that matter.

I let other people walk over me sometimes.

I like masculine men (not gym bunnies, drag queens or twinks).

I have a weakness for handsome men with body and facial hair.

I like getting blowjobs from those men.

I’m a top. It’s more than a position. It’s an attitude.

I’ve worn leather and accessorized with whips, handcuffs and cockrings.

I’ve woken up handcuffed to a drag queen while wearing the above outfit.

I’ve woken up to find artificial nails and glitter in my underwear.

I fucked a girlfriend on the hood of her father’s car in a public parking lot.

I fucked an anonymous man in a public washroom.

I think empathizing with other people, no matter what you think of them, is the best way to learn about life.

I want to father children with a lesbian/couple and help raise them.

I think this was a good exercise and I just might do it again.

D is such a cunt

2005-07-31T23:41:00.000-04:00

The jerk who took my parking spot never got a ticket. Parking infractions are low priority so 3 hours after I called in my complaint there was still no ticket on the guys windshield. I did notice that there was already a ticket in his front seat so I'm content in the knowledge that someone burned him.

The bone head just happened to walk out of the building at the same time D and I were going out for a couple of pints. I asked if it was his car and then told him he couldn't park there. He asked why not, I told him I own it, and the next time I saw him there he'll get a ticket or get towed. D wanted to make a fight of it and said "what's wrong with you are you stupid?", "Christ, can't you read?", "Do you know we could have you towed?", etc, etc. I just walked away from him.

I had bought some nice stuff for dinner and a bottle of wine. D wasn't hungry which was a disappointment so instead of suggesting desert I suggested going out for a couple of drinks. Then while we were out drinking I mentioned that there was some ice cream in the freezer and we could have some tomorrow. At which point he started to complain that I bought the expensive ice cream and that I always shop at the same store.

Um, I only had time to stop at one store because he borrowed my car for much of the afternoon (and didn't buy anything for dinner). Um, yes, I like to shop at Denninger's but I haven't shopped there in months. Seriously. I wouldn't have wasted my time buying nice stuff there before I had the fridge and that was delivered three weeks ago. I was able to tell him where and what we had for dinner every night for the last three weeks and Denninger's was not on the list.

I realized he was being a crusty cunt and I decided to ignore him and I flirted with the bartender (who had obviously started working out).

We went to another bar and D started to sigh about how long I was taking. Christ, that man is not happy until he's criticizing someone. I need a vacation from him. He started to tell me about how I should fix my car. I reminded him I had back taxes too. Then he complained that I didn't do his taxes right (liar). I told him to go to H and R Block because I was tired of his complaining. Then he was sighing because I didn't drink my beer fast enough. I told him to go home and I'd be along in a while.

He left. Then I did ten minutes later. I met some guy on the way home who wanted to pay me to tie him up and fuck him like a bitch. It was a bit too involved but we reached a compromise and I let him suck my dick in the alley, for free.

I'm serious. I need a break from D. He refuses counseling and I can't stand to be stuck with him anymore.

If you can't read,

2005-07-31T17:51:00.000-04:00

you shouldn't be allowed to drive. Some buttplug has parked in my spot despite the signs that clearly say private parking. Although I resolved to enjoy the weekend and stop thinking about D being a jerk. I decided to be an ass and call the city to have the guy ticketed. I know it's a guest of someone in the building and I think I know who. But I can't be bothered to go knocking on doors saying "um, excuse me, I think you might be parked in my spot." Besides, it feels good to be an ass sometimes.

Otherwise It's a good weekend and my cat is one year old today. No, I didn't bake a cake and I'm not jumping from behind the wall to yell "surprise!"

I have myself to blame (Part II)

2005-07-30T14:13:00.000-04:00

After Wednesdays “misunderstanding” things got back to normal. D pretended like nothing ever happened and I was supposed accept it.

The week was pretty uneventful and I made it to Friday feeling a bit more rested than normal thanks to the extra sleep. So I prepared my stuff for my night shift, loaded my car and headed off for my day job at the bank.

D called to say he’d need a ride. I knew he would but didn’t talk about it with him because he usually takes my car home Friday night after I start my shift. I told him he could take my car as usual for Fridays. Everything seemed ok.

I had a pretty good day at work. Good for me because I finally signed off on my lending authorities. It might not sound like a big deal but in a way it is because I’ve been working at the same job for three years without having any lending authority. The authorities for my job are unlike any other in the bank (until now and there will soon be dozens with the same skillset, but I’m amongst the first few in Canada) and allow me to lend to personal clients, business clients, professionals, self-employed clients and self employed clients who have conjunctive borrowings through their business. Being able to do all in one is exciting (if you’re a banker) and I’m glad my work has finally paid off.

After work I drove to the set and D was wrapping up. I told him that I finally signed off on my lending authorities. He said “Oh?” and that was about it. I emphasized that I had wanted to lend in my capacity since I took my job three years ago and I was happy it finally happened. He said that was good and on he went with his work. I was honestly expecting as much from him so he didn’t really let me down.

Then he said “Oh ya, UPS keeps calling telling you to pick up your birth certificate. Today’s the last day. You only have five days to pick it up.” Before I go in with the story, I want to say this means several things to me:

• UPS called and left a message.
• UPS called and left at least one reminder message.
• D knew for up to 5 days that I had to pick up a package and omitted to mention it.
• It was now too late to do anything.

My health card lapsed because I did not get a notice in the mail. I actually had no idea it would lapse. I need my birth certificate to replace it because it’s past the deadline. I had to get my lawyer to sign some form that he’d known me for 16 years and I had fill the rest out and wait. It's been a few months now since I sent it in.

My condition has taken a bit of a turn for the worse recently. I have Ulcerative Colitis which is very hard to live with and for anyone who hasn’t heard of UC let me just summarize it as having to go to the washroom on a minute’s notice, going to the washroom up to 8 times a day or more and chronic blood loss. Minor irritants include swollen joints, dizziness, fever and mouth sores. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. One of my coping strategies is to starve myself a day in advance of an outing followed by a dose of codeine the next day. It’s the only way I was able to make it out camping last weekend.

So I need to see a doctor soon because the only medication that really helps is steroids and my prescription is almost out. I’ve done my best to make it last but I’m down to a matter of days. My condition is aggravated by stress so you can imagine what the last 2 months working 2 jobs and driving D to work every day has done to me.

I asked D why he didn’t tell me there was a message. He said “because it’s on the answering machine and I thought you’d get it.” Well, I would have done that if the message light flashed but that doesn’t happen after the message is listened to. Besides, if someone leaves a message for D, I tell him or leave a note so he knows it’s there. I was thinking he might do the same for me. Was that so dumb? Especially when I was expecting my birth certificate to come by mail? How was I to know that they would 1, use a courier and 2, the courier wouldn’t leave a package or a note saying they had been by?

I was naturally pissed so I said “Thanks, now I have to wait who knows how long and my medication will run out for sure.” And D said “It’s not my fault you don’t check messages.”

Well, maybe a person ought to check their voicemail daily just in case. But no one leaves me voicemail at home because I carry a cell phone. D knew about at least 2 messages. He knew there was a deadline to pick up my package. He must have been able to figure out after the second message that I was unaware that a package was waiting for me. But he did nothing until about, oh, 7:10 pm Friday which is just 10 minutes after the depot closes. Stupid fuckface.

He felt bad but wouldn’t apologize. He tried to compensate by making sure I knew where everything was before he left. He asked if I would be OK before he got in my car and if I needed anything else before he left. I said an apology would be nice but otherwise no, there wasn’t much he could do to get my mind off of how hellish life will be when the steroids run out. He took it personally and, leaving my car door open, set out to walk home. It’s about 20 kilometers. I didn’t stop him.

I have myself to blame (Part I)

2005-07-30T12:15:00.000-04:00

for putting myself in this situation. But my relationship sucks at the moment and I have no one else to blame.

I drive D to work because he does not have a car. He doesn’t have a car because he hasn’t been able to save for one and he refuses to get a loan. So if I want him to work, I have to drive him. It’s a responsibility that has me up before 6 every day and not home in the evening until 8 at the earliest.

I work part time on the same production he works on. So besides the long days Monday to Friday, I work night shift Friday and Saturday. D also works part time on the same production (in a different job category) on weekends as well as full time through the week so he’s in seven days a week. So guess who chauffers his ass on weekends too?

I’m at the breaking point because I’m running myself into the ground. I have to argue with D to have the AC on in the condo so I can sleep comfortably at night. He’d rather save money. Last year I did the same thing (minus the part time night-shift work) and I lasted only six weeks before I lost my temper with him and gave him an ultimatum. I think I was less resilient because we didn’t have AC last year and I slept like crap every night.

Luckily, he was able to negotiate a production vehicle from work so I had the rest of the summer off as he drove himself. I had hoped he’d be able to do the same this year but it hasn’t worked out.

So last Tuesday I was happy to get a call from D saying he had a vehicle that day and I didn’t need to pick him up. That meant I didn’t have to get up early the next morning either so I was thrilled at the prospect of eight hours sleep. Wednesday, I didn’t hear from him and I thought he may need a ride so I drove to the production after I got off work and called him and left a message to let him know I was there to pick him up and to please call if he didn’t need a ride. A half hour later, no call from D and I called him again. A half hour later, no call from D and I tried to reach him a third time. Fifteen minutes later, he called and asked, rudely, what I wanted. I was taken back so I paused and by the time I started to speak he decided I had nothing important to say so he hung up on me.

I was furious so I drove home. If he was looking at the road in front of the production, D would have seen me doing 120 in a 70 zone. I think he saw me because after I flew by he called again. I gave him shit for not returning my call and hanging up on me. Then he said something stupid (can’t remember what it was) and again I was taken back. I paused and he hung up on me before I could gather my thoughts.

I got home and put my dinner on. I couldn’t decided if he was going to wait for me to finish dinner before I went to pick him up or if he was just going to have to call a cab.

He called finally, I told him he would be waiting for a ride. Then he told me “I don’t need a ride, I told you I have a truck until Thursday.” Lying fucker. He did not. I think I would have been very exited indeed if he had told me that because I would have realized I’d get lots of sleep for the next three nights. But that’s not what he said.

I told him I was pissed because I wasted my evening. He didn’t apologize and said it was my fault. I also told him I didn’t like the way he yelled at me on the phone and hung up on me. He said he was busy and that was too bad.

I started the evening feeling like a caring person who was mindful of D’s needs and I drove out of my way just in case he needed a ride. How did I end up being talked to like I was stupid? Why do I bother getting upset when I know an apology would smooth things over but I’ll never hear one. Why do I still drive his ass to work?

Diseases of Yore

2005-07-28T20:00:00.000-04:00

I took a road trip to Montreal once with some friends. It was winter and there was a blizzard so some of us packed blankets just in case. One of them was extremely old and musty. We thought it looked like it had been in someones family for generations and had probably kept someone warm as they succumbed to consumption. We called it the consumption blanket.

Why did diseases have suck stupid names in the old days? If my doctor told me I had consumption, dropsy or yellow john, I'd ask for a second opinion before he prescribed a blood letting.

Anyhow, we sat under the consumption blanket and snacked on coctail weiners. We arrived in Montreal safe and sound and no one cought any strange disease from the blanket.

Dog Cock

2005-07-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

is the most common search that brings people to my blog. I'm not sure why anyone would search for that and I'm sure they're disappointed when they learn I never actually wrote anything about dog cock. In fact, with the exception of the guy who's hung like a burrito and the occasional mention of what others have done to my own dick, I rarely write about any cock at all.

Colin Farrell Uncut is the second most popular search that leads to my blog. I wrote about it once when I rented a move that was supposed to show some full frontal Colin. Sadly, I was left unsatisfied. Today, it's the most common search that leads here because someone is threatening to release a video of Colin fucking. I have to see it. Even if he's doing it with a woman. I know I've said in the past that god doesn't often answer prayers but I think for once he's finally been listening to me. Hallelujah!

I thought I'd seen it all

2005-07-12T22:33:00.000-04:00

after I met a man with three balls. Then I met a man with four.

It's Here!

2005-07-07T23:00:00.000-04:00

I finally have my fridge and I'm relieved. I can't wait to fill it with refreshments. I think I'll splurge and buy a baking soda caddy to celebrate.

Top Dog: Doing the Victory Dance

2005-07-06T23:53:00.000-04:00

I'm ashamed to admit that I still do not have a fridge. Flatlinegirl was at my place last weekend (she brought me some lovely party themed coasters as a gift, I love them). She was the first person I've had over and I couldn't even offer her crushed ice.

I realized over the weekend that I was getting screwed. I'm not slow or anything. I'm just incredibly patient and I'll let things play out as they need to. Some rep named Shanty from HBC's escalation team called to discuss compensation for my late deliveries. I had asked for a call from her department one month before and I asked again one week before. I thought for sure I was finally going to get some satisfaction.

I told her what I wanted; my deferred payments extended, bonus HBC points and some amount of cash as she felt appropriate for someone who had just been fucked over the way I was. I wouldn't say how much cash. I decided to play it like a job interview and let the other person make the first offer. She couldn't tell me right away and promised to call back in an hour and let me know.

An hour later there was no call so I left a message. She returned it seconds later (my phone didn't ring, I think she was playing tricks with her phone features) and she told me my fridge in stock and coming on the 9th. I was stunned that it was in stock and I had to wait. I was also angered that she made no mention of compensation whatsoever.

So I got mean.....gggggrrrrrr

I wrote an email to Scott Urquhardt from CHTV and I detailed every screw up HBC had made on my order up to and including my last call with Shanty. I named a couple of snotty little fuckers in that call center who screwed up including a supervisor Roberta. I really had it in for her. My letter was six pages long (single spaced).

Before I sent it, I CC'd every executive at HBC that I could find. Thanks to a friend I had about ten of them including the CEO and the National Director of Contact Centre Services. I pressed the send button at 8:30 am Monday morning.

At 10:45 my phone rang. Dan was calling to make arrangements for delivery. I asked if he had seen my email. He said yes.

I learned that Shanty lied. My fridge was not in stock at all. But Dan was going to coordinate a delivery direct from the manufacturer and I could have it by Thursday. I put my foot down and said I would not accept delivery until we agreed on compensation. I balked at his first offer (50% off on the fridge). He agreed to extend my deferred payments, I got almost 4 million bonus HBC points (I have over 17 million now) and...the best part....my fridge is free! Yes free! Manufacturer's suggested retail price: $2400. Price for Top Dog: $0.

It's my sincerest wish that Shanty has been suspended and Roberta has been terminated.

If anyone wants the original text of my email, let me know. I'd still like to publicize how incompetent the staff at HBC can be.

Rubber Glove Seduction

2005-07-01T09:42:00.000-04:00

When I was a student at Mac, I used to hitch rides home from Hamilton. Both for the practical reasons (saving bus fare, not having to wait for busses, faster trip)and because my dick told me to.

I'm not sure how it happened the first time. I think some guy just offered me a ride and next thing I knew my seat was reclined, my fly was undone and some macho queen was swallowing my load.

I let this one guy pick me up who wanted to jerk me off but only if he wore latex gloves. He actually traveled with a box of gloves and a tube of KY. I hoped that after a couple of sessions he'd relax and use his bare hands (or his mouth) but after our third encounter I realized he was terrified of disease and/or had a strange fetish.

There was another guy who wore gloves all the time while he cruised at Dundurn Park. But he wasn't into disposable latex. He preferred yellow garden gloves. We thought they must be his wife's because they had little plastic flowers around the cuff. We called him garden glove man. I never saw him get lucky.

I guess god wasn't listening

2005-06-28T21:53:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, someone I work with mentioned a prayer vigil he attended over the weekend. He said he went and prayed for something to stop equal marriage from becoming law.

I'm used to his lunacy. He has to drive his family to work and school every morning and it's a schedule that brings him to his own work a half hour early every day. So he does what any normal person would do with a half hour to kill: he reads his bible.(?) This comes as no surprise coming from the same guy who thinks homosexuality is a mental illness.

I remember one time when I wanted something more than anything else and I prayed for it. OK, OK, I was 14 and it was the only way I could think of get what I wanted. For the first time, I had a reason to suspect I was gay and I was horrified. So I prayed to be straight. Didn't work.

Maybe it was my spotty attendance record at Sunday school or my meager tithe (I only had a small paper route for god sake). Or, maybe it was my chronic habit of taking the lord's name in vain.

He did meet me half way, sorta. I was able to take advantage of the fact that I'm somewhat bisexual and I ignored a whole half of myself until my late 20's. But I finally had to accept my gayness whether I liked it or not. It wasn't so bad.

Anyhow, I'm not surprised that my colleague's prayers went unanswered. Either god wasn't listening or there was a homo somewhere praying louder and longer than anyone. I personally think god doesn't give a damn either way.

My life's not that bad after all

2005-06-22T21:11:00.000-04:00

The joy of living downtown isn't just having every gay bar within walking distance. It also brings you close to fucked up people who's lives have gone off the rails. Given my proximity to the local methadone clinic, the addicts are never far.

Anyhow, I was approached by a homeless guy in the parking lot the day I moved in here. He was some shabby, skeletal guy who looked like he hadn't bathed/shaved/showered for months. I'd never seen him before but since then I see him at least twice per week all over the place. It's weird how he stood out in my mind. It's not like he was attractive or anything.

Then I had a disturbing thought. Recently, I heard about a friend from high school. Apparently he's been in jail and he's addicted to crack or crystal meth.

Now I have a feeling that this emaciated guy might be my friend from high school. He's the right height and build but I can't tell from the face because he's like a skull with skin and a beard. I thought he was way older than me but I guess meth (or whatever) will do that to you.

I don't think I'll ever ask his name. I'm not sure it's a friendship I'd like to rekindle. But even if it's not him, I feel sorry for the family and friends who care about him.

Next Stupid Question

2005-06-09T23:41:00.000-04:00

I was shopping early today for a father's day card (I'm not usually this organized). So I went to the Carleton store in the Burlington Mall and had a look at what they had. Then this girl who works there walked up to me and asked "Can I help you find anything?"

Is it just me or is that the most stupid thing you could ask someone who is browsing in a card shop? I was stunned. I couldn't decide what to say next.

"Yes, can I have a half pound of fair trade Columbian dark roast." or

"I'm not sure. Maybe you can help. I'm looking for a card. Do you have any in stock?" or

"Can you point me to the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender/intersexed wedding and anniversary section? I need something spiritual but non-denominational."

Maybe it's just me. No one I told thought it was a stupid thing for her to ask. But I knew she didn't mean it and she didn't give a damn what I wanted. She just wanted to make sure I knew that she knew I was there so I wouldn't try to pocket anything. After her stupid question, she loitered around and pretended to straighten up the shelves (always keeping me in sight).

Down Town

2005-06-05T10:34:00.000-04:00

Venturing out into downtown Hamilton was never frightening when I was younger and/or drunk. But things have changed.

D and I went out for a slice of pizza last week and we passed a disheveled, if not handsome younger man in the street. As he walked by he glared at me and said "...do you think you can read my mind?"

His intonation was the odd part. It wasn't like the thought just popped into his head. It was more like the end of a long rant. It felt like he had been arguing with me long before I knew he was there. I ignored him and hoped he'd continue his argument with the next person he passed in the street.

Then last night, some guy started to yell at us while we walked up King St. He was yelling something about a dog and all I could see was a pit bull running up the street for us. In my mind, I could see the headlines about the city's latest pit bull attack with me as the victim.

We just stood to the side and the dog, thankfully, ran right by us. Then the owner came running up and said "I told you fucking assholes to stop my dog." I couldn't believe it.

First, I don't take orders from short strangers with mullets. Second, I'm not about to challenge a pit bull. I don't care if it could run into traffic. That's what leashes are for and that dog wasn't my responsibility. I might have gone out of my way for a golden lab or a jack russell terrier but not for a pit bull. Sorry.

I wanted to call the man a fucking idiot but I could see from the number of teeth he was missing that he'd been in his share of fights. I decided that I was unlikely to intimidate him. Besides, a short man who needs a pit bull to walk down the street with confidence probably carries a weapon.

Stupid polls

2005-06-05T09:05:00.000-04:00

I hate those stupid polls by CNN or other news sites that ask people's opinions on global issues. Like today on Netscape News:

Do you think soldiers who abuse Muslim holy books in front of prisoners should be punished? Yes or no?

Although I wanted to answer with "who cares" I had to choose "no" because it was the closest available answer. I was surprised that two thirds of people don't agree. Maybe I'm not culturally sensitive enough.

Being a mostly non-religious person, I don't see the "abuse" of a holy book as anything to get upset about. It is, after all, just a book. And there's probably another one just like it close by.

Since holy books don't rock my world, I tried to imagine how I would feel if I were in prison and someone destroyed my gay-porn collection or flushed an issue of Fab magazine down the toilet. I decided it wouldn't bother me much. I couldn't imagine it causing an uprising amongst queer inmates or inciting drag queens to riot on Church St. There would be no coverage on Aljazeera.

Sex with cubs

2005-06-04T21:56:00.000-04:00

keeps your nose wet and your fur nice and shiny.

Sick day

2005-06-02T10:31:00.000-04:00

I usually try to go to work when I'm not feeling well. But today I couldn't think of a good reason to do it.

I can't think of much to write today. Every day seems just like the one before and there only so many ways to say the same thing.

My mind has wandered to the topic of lovers and what good idea it can be to have them. Lovers, or fuck buddies if you prefer, don't interfere with your life at all. They're there to indulge in simple pleasures with you and they aren't around long enough for you to notice their flaws.

Unlike boyfriends, partners, etc, lovers don't have anything to fight about. They can make you feel attractive, desirable and validated instead of feeling like you can never do enough to escape criticism. You can be with your fuck buddy because you want to be and not because he shares your address.

Some might argue that having a lover is selfish but I think the opposite. Because having a lover can be more than no-strings sex, it can be an opportunity to admire someone else without forcing your expectations on them.

If your lover has to leave, say for a fabulous career in another city, you can accept it and remain on good terms. I'd rather know someone was with me because he wanted to be and not because he felt he had to be.

I'm over it

2005-05-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

Even thought I won't have a fridge until the end of the month (at the earliest). The luxury of being able to do my laundry AND play on the computer will keep me happy until then. I have internet and 4 out of 5 major appliances so all is forgiven.

I like living closer to downtown because everything is conveniently close. Saturday, we walked to the farmer's market and Denninger's and returned with enough groceries to see us through the long weekend. I could get used to doing my shopping without a car. D still wants to make his weekly Mecca to Zeller's but I think I can negotiate him down to 2 visits a month.

The bars are close too. We've probably been to the Werks (or Werx or whatever) half a dozen times since moving in here. It sounds like a lot but we normally only have a pint or two before going home. There's never that much going on there but I'm the kind of person who can't stand to stay home and watch TV when nothing's on. And honestly, besides Ellen and Trailer Park Boys, I can't think of anything I like watching.

There's a few hotties there and since D and I need some more gay friends, I'd like to meet some of them so we have someone else to talk to besides each other (yawn).

Last week, I had the unique experience of being at the bar while my grade 8 homeroom teacher, grade 10 computer science teacher and my 4th year marketing professor were there. With all that gayness educating me it's no surprise some of it rubbed off (note to the unelightened: that doesn't really happen or we'd all be gay by the time we graduated high school, espicially in the Catholic school system).

I've only slept with one of them. It was my 8th grade teacher. Not when I was in grade 8 but when I was in 4th year university. I didn't know it was him and I don't think he knew who I was (I'd grown a bit). But after several meetings he suspected he'd been my teacher and he let me know. I freaked out when I realized who it was.

I had a crush on him too. Long before I suspected I was gay I had a thing for him. He was young (23 or 24 I think) and he was a sharp dresser. He also kept the bullies in line. No one called me fag or taunted me in class while he was around. No wonder I liked him so much.

So I got over that too. It was a little weird but life doesn't always make sense. I have no plans to sleep with or even flirt with my other teachers. They're not my type at all.

Everybody sucks:

2005-05-13T23:20:00.000-04:00

Even The Bay.

I ordered appliances a month before I moved and I was told they were all in stock and they would arrive the day after my move. Then they pushed the deliver day back until the following Monday. Then one more day until Tuesday.

I got a call the day before delivery and got the news I would only get my fridge on time. The next day, nothing came. Not even the fridge. I was told they had nothing in stock and that they had to wait for shipments from the manufacturer. I knew it was a lie and I asked to speak to a manager. I was told I'd get a call back.

Three days later, no call, no appliances and I was furious. I decided not to deal with the contact centre. All they could do was send me in circles. I went to the store and asked to speak to the manager there.

She's been great so far, my stuff has been found and (fingers crossed) most of it will arrive tomorrow. She gave me a serious discount too. Not enough to cover my cost of eating at restaurants for two weeks but enough to shut me up.

More things that suck:

2005-05-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

U-Haul really sucks. I reserved a truck for nine AM the Friday of my move. I went there ten minutes early and they told me they wouldn't have a truck until one that afternoon. I didn't try to argue with them. They obviously didn't give a damn. They all tried to avoid eye contact and look busy while they broke the news to me. Morons.

I don't normally make scenes but I was pissed. I told them they were all fucking useless, cancelled my reservation and left.

I lucked out and got a truck at U-Haul's inappropriately named competition "Budget." The last minute rental cost $235 bucks but I had no choice.

Things that suck:

2005-05-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

I'm in my new place. I've been here for two weeks actually but I couldn't post on my blog because Bell had a hard time connecting my phone. More to the point: despite the fact I gave them a months notice, they connected my line two weeks late.

They blamed the strike at Entourage. One of their phone reps told me "Entourage is on strike and they are trying to disrupt service. This is exactly what they want to happen." First I told the rep that they should consider paying their Entourage employees more. Then I told the guy that what I wanted to happen was to have my service connected in a reasonable amount of time and if they couldn't do it, I'd cancel my phone, internet and 2 cell phones. I mentioned that I spend three thousand a year on their services and I wasn't going to wait for them. Their manager called me back and he said they'd waive my connection fee and have it done within 24 hours.

And so they did but it still didn't work. They tried to blame my building (faulty wiring or something). I told them it's brand new and everyone else in the building had their service and I expected the same. They finally sent someone else out and today my phone and internet finally work.

So that's it. Bell sucks. And so do their lame-ass excuses.

True Faith

2005-04-21T21:23:00.000-04:00

I'm not religious. I'm not necessarily atheist either but I respect the rights of anyone to believe or not believe in anything. However, no matter how open minded I try to be, I just can't understand anyone who claims to see an image of the Virgin Mary on a salt stain, side of a building, or a grilled cheese sandwich.

If you're going to claim to have a holy vision, at least make it convincing. The salt stain in Chicago does NOT look like anything at all. It is not a sign of anything except people's foolishness. I'm sorry, but I think it looks more like a vagina than any blessed saint.

In Kaanada

2005-04-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

In Canada, we're just flattered to hear someone speak highly of us no matter how much it bends our ears. I think it's awfully nice that BJ Snowden finds us so inspiring. Too bad her ode to Canada isn't a little more listenable.

As nicely as she sings about Canada, she saved her best for her native America. I wonder if they're as impressed as we are.

Matching outfits

2005-04-06T00:10:00.000-04:00

Gay or straight, they're never a good idea.

Circling the Drain

2005-04-02T01:15:00.000-05:00

I wish the Pope would hurry up and die already. Nothing against him (besides his homophobia) but I'm tired of watching him deteriorate. I'm also tired of my "psychic" friend predicting his death every other month. I guess she had to be right one of these times.

I think it's funny how christians invoke god into everything they say. Instead of saying the pope's dying they say he's "in god's hands" and "heaven's gates are opening for him." Terri Schiavo didn't die yesterday. She "stepped into eternity."

I'm tired of people who finish their sentences with "god willing." It's a subtle method of "witnessing" that religious freaks use to make you acknowledge their message. I prefer zealots who directly ask you if you've "heard the good news" because you can simply tell them to fuck off. But there's little you can do when people punctuate everything with "god willing" except roll your eyes.

Some people take comfort in constantly reinforcing their faith. It reminds me of the way retarded children body-rock to soothe themselves.

Gore + Chic = Tres Chic

2005-03-31T21:44:00.001-05:00

Or so the people at www.skinbag.net would have me believe. But it only makes me want to disgorge my lunch. Besides, I already have a bag. It's made of real skin, not the synthetic kind and it makes the perfect accessory.

Speaking of skinbags, Terri Schiavo has finally kicked it. Part of me was hoping she'd make it until Friday (April 1st) but I'm glad it's finally over for her and her husband. Her parents on the other hand seem determined to hang on to their anger the same way they clung to their daughter's empty shell. And that's all she was. Her brain was 80% gone but they wouldn't accept she was never coming back.

Instead, they wasted fifteen years living in denial that their daughter died in 1990. Fifteen years praying to god to give them what they wanted instead of accepting what they had.

I hear that grief has five stages; disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Sadly for these people, they used their faith as a crutch and never got past stage 3 so they prayed for the impossible every night and twice on Sundays. But that's their own fault, not god's.

Although they prayed to an almighty god, I don't think they will ever believe what happened was god's will. They can't imagine that god runs the world without consulting with them and listening to their prayers so he knows what to do next.

Another nail

2005-03-23T22:30:00.000-05:00

has been driven in the casket of my "career." That's what I told my boss today. Not only do I have to do the job I had to do last month but I also have to take up someone else's slack. And!....I have to pretend not to notice when other people can't do their job correctly. Because if I get impatient with incompetent colleagues, they will complain to management about me and my "attitude." I suppose it's too much to expect someone to know how to do their job correctly after seven years. I should know better than to sigh audibly when others feign stupidity.

Today's Obituary

2005-03-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

Someone at work died today. He didn't work in my department but I knew him to see him. He used a motorized wheel chair to get around.

I felt guilty sometimes because I could hear the motor of his scooter as he came into the bathroom when I was using the handicap stall. I'm sensitive to the needs of others and I don't normally go for the handicap stall first but whenever I did this guy would not be far behind. I always felt bad making him wait.

Everyone knew who he was because there aren't that many visibly handicaped people in my building and we saw him often. We all knew the hum of the electric motor as he passed through on his way to and from lunch.

The poor guy wasn't much older than me. A lot of people at work (in my opinion) drop dead unexpectedly. I think it's a sign I need to find a new line of work.

No More Tears (Enough is Enough)

2005-03-21T21:21:00.000-05:00

I was happy a few weeks ago because I was transferred and I finally got rid of my boss. But as I had pointed out, nothing lasts forever and it was only a matter of days before management made some changes to my job that are.....well....intolerable. Especially for someone with a degree. They may as well ask me to clean the bathrooms during my break because as far as I'm concerned the work they want me to do is beneath me. Pardon my arrogant overeducated ass but I did not go to school to do some of the shit they want me to do.

I made it clear to my boss that I'm looking for other work. She asked if there was any training the bank could arrange that would enable me to do my now-modified job. The question itself was as much an insult as a joke because anyone who can read talk can do it. I answered "Yes, resume writing and bahavioural interview techniques".

I'm not the only one who's pissed. If it wasn't for the fact I'm going to have a mortgage soon, I might have given my resignation last week and taken my chances landing a new job.

I feel bad for the people who are going to stay but not bad enough to keep them company. I can already hear people making up excuses as to why they can't move on to another job (the drive, the change in hours, the requirements, blah, blah, blah..). If they put as much energy into their resume as they did into fabricating excuses they might actually get jobs that make them happy.

My Alma Mater

2005-03-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

God love them. They keep sending me literature. Next to the Cystic Fibrosis Society (or whatever they're called) they are the most persistant at trying to attract my attention and my money.

The newsletter they just sent is full of the achievements of my peers. They have a section in the back where list people and their recent achievements. It makes me want to throw up. Not because I'm an underachiever. But because for some people, the competition never ends. Apparently, being appointed Chief Financial Officer of a major company is not it's own reward. One must run an ad in the newsletter and rub it in to the rest of us who haven't made the cut.

I should put something in for myself. It would read like this: "Top Dog '95, is still waiting patiently for his job to become more challenging. Having had no official promotion for 2 years he's feeling a bit stale and is finally getting off his ass and looking for more suitable work.

Boobalicious

2005-03-18T23:53:00.000-05:00

I've heard a Japanese company has developed a chewing gum that enhances breast size. It looks like they've done their homework and proved the stuff works. Too make it a success, I think they'll need the right name but some of the best brand names have been taken, like Double Bubble.

I wonder if they'll make a gum that make your penis grow. They could call it Bazooka or Big Red.

Top Dog: Evil tenant

2005-03-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

My time living in my apartment has been torture. I hate my neighbour upstairs. I hate their music, their TV shows and their shouts in the hallway. I hate the way the slam the doors every fucking day and I hate hearing their beer bottles rattle when they are stocking up for a party.

It's nothing personal. But they're annoying to live with. I'm pissed off at my landlord too because he wouldn't do anything about the noise despite all my complaints. Now that I'm leaving, I have my chance to piss him off.

Contrary to previous posts, I am evil sometimes. I was in denial about that until Flatlinegirl reminded me I was definitely evil (not including my aberrant sexual behavior which make me even more evil).

I couldn't move out of here without knowing I had the last laugh on my landlord. Now that I've given my notice, he's showing the apartment to prospective tenants and I'm making my apartment as unattractive as possible. I have a checklist of things to do before anyone's brought through:

Open windows a crack to amplify noise from passing traffic.
Open blinds to show off egg on front window which has not been cleaned since it was thrown there on Devil's Night.
Turn TV off so neighbour upstairs can be heard playing music, walking, vacuuming or whatever.
Run hot water 5 minutes before scheduled visit so noisy hot water heater roars into action when everyone arrives.
Leave as everyone is coming in and slam downstairs door on my way out so prospective tenants can tell how thin the walls are.

I've also started packing even though I don't take possession of my new place for six weeks. I don't need six weeks to pack. But I do need to pull everything I own out of the closets and spread it about the apartment to make it seem small and cramped. I've also got empty boxes stacked strategically so it looks like I'm packing.

A certain evil cub suggested that I set some mouse traps where they can be seen. I'd already thought of it and I would do it if I wasn't afraid that my cat would hurt herself with them. Maybe I'll invest in some roach motels and ant traps.

Supposedly, he's advertising this place as a two bedroom apartment. D was here yesterday when a couple was coming through. One of them asked "where's the second bedroom?" and D said "We've been here 3 years and we still don't know." Good thing the landlord didn't hear.

I doubt he'll attract a tenant before I leave. If he does, I'll be sure to leave a copy of any applicable noise bylaws for them to read and an ample supply of hearing protection.

It's fun to be evil.

Nothing lasts forever

2005-03-09T22:37:00.000-05:00

Not even bad shit. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hated my boss but I'm confident she didn't like me. She's from one those backward places on the planet where free elections are novel and the government refused to pass a bill that supported gay rights because it would have promoted homosexuality and loosened morals.

She's religious in a way that makes me uneasy. I overheard her in a conversation with some other faithful employees while she said (seriously) that all the recent earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis and stuff was concerning. Maybe, she said, god is mad because of what people are doing to the planet. (?)

I think it was a mistake to tell her I was gay. I was feeling comfortable with myself that particular day and I could see she almost pissed her pants. I worried that I had done the wrong thing. My fears were confirmed over time as I noticed I would get in shit for stuff that would get overlooked when my colleagues did the same thing. I would work my ass off without recognition and when someone else would accomplish something similar to me, they would get rewarded.

I could have confronted it but I decided it would be better to ride it out because it was a matter of time before the powers that be (management) realigned our department and I would be rid of her. The day arrived last Friday when I got moved and I got a new boss to report to. I was delighted. So were my colleagues who also got moved with me. We've concluded that she got rid of us because she has a problem with each of us. She kept all the best sales people, the religious and the brown skinned in her department.

I don't care in the least. My new boss was my boss a few years ago and we get along well. She always jokes aloud that I'm her favourite and she gives me lots of extra work to do (which makes me invaluable and raised my profile). I'm glad I didn't quit. I feel like I have a new job.

Hot off the press!

2005-02-23T22:48:00.000-05:00

In the news today I read that the Pope says gay marriage is "evil." It must be a slow news day for that to make the headlines. Does he ever have anything good to say about advancing the rights of women or gays? Real news would be the Pope converting to Islam.

Actually, he says it's part of an ideology of evil. Just what is that anyway? And I wonder how so many people I know subscribe to this ideology of evil without knowing it? I mean, if I was truly that evil myself, I'd read the Pope's comment and say "Shit! He's on to me." Then I'd call my evil friends, plan an evil diversion and start work on a new evil plot.

It's taken me years to understand and accept myself as gay and I think I'm a better man for it. I really don't give a fuck about what the Pope has to say about it and I'm not about to change my mind. Besides, if the omniscient, all-forgiving god of Christianity exists he accepts me with my all my flaws and I'm sure he forgives me for following my heart.

Is this man gay?

2005-02-22T22:33:00.000-05:00

If he's not, his shorts are. I had a crush on Steve Guttenburg in the 80's. I thought he was cute and I loved his hairy chest. But he never did anything to set off my gaydar.

Then again, there was that role in Can't Stop the Music where he roller skated with a tight "I Love San Francisco" t-shirt and kept a scantily clad houseboy. Hmmm....

Disco Trivia

2005-02-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

Listening to Guy Lafleur made me feel nostalgic about some early disco classics. Back in grade school I bought my first record player started my vinyl collection. I brought my own record to the same school dance I wrote about in my last post. It was the Bee Gees' Spirits Having Flown album which I bought for the song Tragedy.

Despite our young age, the homophobia surrounding disco had already been accepted and internalized. I remember some kid saw the record cover through my plastic bag and started to call me a fag. He was an asshole. I'm sure the teacher overheard because he asked what I brought and told everyone what a great record it was. The asshole shut up and some of other kids began to show their own records including The Trammps' Disco Inferno and Patrick Hernandez' Born to be Alive.

I loved all those songs like most kids there but none of us danced. I think we just ate chips, drank pop and played games. What else could supervised geeky pre-teens do in a well lit room?

Anyhow, I decided to do some reading on Patrick Hernandez and learned that Madonna of all people got her start as a back up singer on Born to be Alive. The link I put here is obviously not to the original version so I'm going to have to look for another copy do download. I want to see if I can pick her voice out. (After that, I'll try listening for Cher in an early Phil Spector song).

Power Play

2005-02-19T17:36:00.000-05:00

On my way home from work today I was listening to DNTO on CBC. It's a bit artsy and nerdy I know but I like it.

Today they played a song that I had long forgotten about. In the 70's, Guy Lafleur did a hockey-instructional themed disco song called Scoring (please listen). I remember the song from when I was in grade 4 or 5 when some kid brought it to school for a dance. We all thought it was very cool of course.

What I wouldn't give to have a copy of it now. Not for the picture booklet or the posters of a hairy-chested Guy that came with the album but for the sheer joy of knowing I was the custodian of such a rare vinyl treasure.

I must have it. I think I'll try to talk D into going to the flea market with me some time soon to see if I can find a copy of my own.

Sabath Mode

2005-02-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

If you ever feel like there's no one watching you while you're shopping, just open a fridge door and the sales staff will descend on you like a plague of locusts. We've had to shoo a few salesmen away this week while we browsed (except when they were cute).

I prefer to look at stuff on my own and talk to sales staff only when I have questions.

I noticed one oven from Fridgidaire that had Sabath Mode. Apparently cooked food can now be kept warm on the Sabath and holidays! Maybe there were always ovens with Sabath mode but I never noticed because I never shopped for ovens before and because all my close friends are goyim.

I've arrived?

2005-02-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

I've finally taken the plunge and signed a purchase agreement for a new condo. I could have afforded it a few years ago but I've dragged my feet. I'm not sure what I was affraid of. But now I know I'm sick to fucking death of hearing my neighbour's music emanating through my ceiling.

I decided to let him win and I'll be giving my 2 month's notice to my property manager with March's rent. It's not like it's a really nice place here anyway. The fireplace and hardwood floors are the only redeeming factors. After three years I'm still puzzled as to why the hallway smells like Kraft powdered cheese-sauce mix. Febreeze has only masked the odour.

My new place has 14 foot ceilings and feels bigger than my apartment. It won't be that much more expensive for us every month. I had to pay an extra fifteen thousand for a parking spot but at least my car will be steps from my front door. I was going to have to pay an extra 40 or 50 dollars per month for municipal parking so mortgaging a parking spot actually made sense.

I'm shopping for appliances now. If my kitchen wasn't open concept I'd get white appliances for sure. But my new building is sort of industrial looking and I'm leaning towards stainless because I want the appliances to go with the rest of the condo. A friend commented that there's something about having matching stainless appliances that says "you've arrived." I think there's something about matching stainless appliances that says you owe someone a lot of money.

Flair for Hair

2005-01-20T23:35:00.000-05:00

I was at T's place last week and watched some TV with her and Tommy. Tommy had changed his look since the last time I saw him and he was looking pretty good with a new haircut and trimmed facial hair.

Apparently, he cut his hair himself. It's one of those haircuts that's short on the sides and messy and uneven on top. The kind of haircut that needs a bit of product to look right. And it looked right on Tommy.

I thought they might be pulling my leg when they said Tommy cut his own hair. I've known people to do it but the results didn't look as good. If it's true, I think Tommy might have missed his calling. He's actually good at it. For someone who cut his own hair he did a good job of blending the sides in with increased length on top. If he's as good at doing his own highlights as he is with his hair, I'll start to worry.

I wonder if he does T's hair? She always looks so good.

Winter Blues

2005-01-20T22:40:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling the winter blues these days. I don't think I'm unique in that regard but it does explain why I haven't felt like posting here and why I've spent so much time on the couch watching crappy TV.

I found an article on the BBC that explains how some genius calculated that this coming Monday is the most depressing day of the year. He's even shared his mathematical formula so we can work it out for ourselves if it makes us feel better. I liked the article (I couldn't help but think I wouldn't be depressed at all if the shirtless man in the picture was in my bed). But, there was one important variable left out of the equation. My own depression is directly proportional to the number of episodes of American Idol that have to air before the show is over for another year.

I used to enjoy the show's early episodes for the sheer pleasure of watching people make asses out of themselves. But the novelty is wearing off. Now it seems that people try to act weird to increase their chances of being on TV. I'd rather watch people make themselve look stupid for real. Maybe it's time to go out to a club and laugh at how the drunken queens dance. Or maybe karaoke somewhere.....

I want to bowl like a Lesbian

2005-01-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

I went bowling the other night. It's been a long time since I've been out bowling. I knew that I was a bad bowler even back when I was at my personal best. But I was so bad I needed the bumpers up just to keep the ball from going in the gutter.

Unfortunately for me, no one else needed or wanted the bumpers and some genius figured out how to lower them after the second frame. After that, I only managed to knock down some pins with one of my next six balls. My final score was something like 40. I saw a child score and 80 several lanes away.

But the best bowlers were the lesbians who were next to us. They looked like they had a lot of practice and the worst score among them was a 150 or 160. I would have done anything for a score like that. Even get my hair cut in a mullet.

Happy 2005

2005-01-01T01:41:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd stay in for New Year's Eve this year. I've decided that if you spent New Year's in front of a TV or in front of a TV camera, your evening sucked. There was nothing on TV. But I'm glad I was one of the people changing the channels and complaining about the lack of programming instead of one of the drunks caught on camera .

I saw some horrid Billy Idol performance on TV with about eight women screaming for him while he sang. I think they were paid.

I bought some nice food and a bottle of champagne for tonight. D didn't like the champagne so I drank almost the whole bottle myself. I didn't care for it too much. It didn't taste very good. And no, I didn't let the paper bag touch my lips.

Breathing a bit easier

2004-12-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

I got a call from FLG Monday night and she told me that Glenn was in Thailand during the tsunami. I'm normally an optimistic guy (in a cynical kind of way) but after I read Glenn's itinerary and looked up his destinations on a map, I had an awful sinking feeling in my stomach.

Happily, he's posted an update on his site to let everyone know he's alive and he made it through the ordeal with relatively minor injuries. I'm glad he's OK. He's staying to help rebuild for a few days before he goes back home to resume life. I can't help but feel bad for the people who never got to leave alive, or the ones who have to leave without their loved ones, or the ones who aren't leaving because they call that place home. I hope the aftermath isn't as dire as some of the predictions I'm hearing.

Read Tripping with Brad to learn about his first hand experience.

Drinking Tip

2004-12-24T16:53:00.000-05:00

You can easily make any wine taste better if you don't let the paper bag touch your lips.

Christmas on a Budget

2004-12-22T23:24:00.000-05:00

This year I did what I have never been able to do in the past. Everyone I usually exchange gifts with sets a dollar limit on purchases and every year, I always go over.

This year, thanks to my stupid car, I've been forced to work within a budget and stick to it (ok, I went over by $25 bucks overall). I've actually spent a quarter of what I've spent in the past. I feel so frugal.

There's a let down feeling I get when I go over budget and the other person (or none of them) does not go over. It's not that I expect people to overspend. It's just that I keep hoping that at least one other person was feeling as generous as I was. This year, I'm guaranteed not to feel that way.

Not only have I saved money. But I've also saved time and aggravation shopping. I had it all done in an hour or two and I have almost nothing to wrap. I should have thought of this strategy sooner.

Fade to Black

2004-12-13T20:18:00.000-05:00

I've had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights. I blame it on my aunt for trying her best to upset me. I shouldn't have let it get to me but if anyone knows how to push your buttons, it's family.

I had about six hours of sleep Saturday night and maybe three or four last night. I had to be to work early for a workshop so when my alarm went off at six it felt like I hadn't slept at all. I felt so bad I decided to reset my alarm to go off a half hour later. I was going to make up for the time by taking the 407 to work.

I can only guess that I stood up too quickly after I reset the alarm because right after that I realized I felt dizzy. Rather than sit down until it passed, I decided to go and get myself a drink. I remember debating in my mind whether I should sit down in there or let my glass of water finish filling up before I sat down. I made the wrong choice because I blacked right out and the next thing I know I could hear D knocking on the door to see if I was alright. I tried to get up too fast and blacked out again.

I grazed my forehead on the wall during one descent and hit the back of my head on another wall during the second. D was very helpful but I still tried to get up too fast and I twisted my ankle as he helped me back to bed.

If it was any other day at work, I would not have gone in but the stuff I'm doing right now is important to me. D didn't want me to drive myself so he agreed to let me go to work if he drove me in and I promised to make a doctor's appointment.

By the time I called the doctor, at noon, I was feeling fine. I told them what happened and they didn't seem too worried. That helped me to feel better. If I still feel bad tomorrow I'll give them a call and they will see me right away.

So besides the twisted ankle, the grazed forehead, the lump on the back of my head and a neck that hurts like hell, I'm feeling fine. My only worry is that I'll be too stupid to sit down the next time I feel light headed.

Post Traumatic Shopping Disorder

2004-12-09T19:55:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling too jolly. I haven't shopped yet because I don't like the crowds and the moms in their SUVs that cut you off to get a parking space.

The apartment's not decorated. Maybe it'll feel festive in here after Saturday when we put up the tree.

I'm neither religious, atheist nor agnostic but I resent the crass commercial aspects of the season. I don't understand why it's only once a year we decide to feel good about our common humanity. I don't need sappy sentiment to motivate me to buy gifts. I don't need to spend more than I ought to in order to feel adequate.

I guess I'm jaded from working too may Christmas seasons in retail. I hated the feeling of having no time off for a month and having to deal with crowds, inventory, money and shoplifters while listening to techno versions of Christmas carols play over and over. I think it scarred me for life and I get flashbacks when I enter a mall that has Christmas decorations.

Odourama

2004-12-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

Darcy wouldn't let me sleep in this morning. She started to lick my hair at 9 am so I would get up to feed her. After I gave her some breakfast I went up the street to the bakery to get myself some coffee.

While I was out, I saw a group of women gathering at the entrance to the apartment across the street. They had dust masks on latex gloves. There was a plastic pail on the ground beside them so I guessed they were there for some cleaning.

I was right. After I got back I could see them in one of the units across the street cleaning everything from top to bottom. It looks like the curtains have been taken down so I can see everything they're doing. They've moved all the furniture and they're washing everything from top to bottom.

Last week, at the same building, there were cop cars parked out in front throughout the day. Animal control was there too and I saw a lot of cats taken out in carriers. I'm wondering what happened. There was an old lady on our street who had 50 cats taken away from her by the SPCA and then 35 more cats removed from her place a year later. I'm thinking there must have been another crazy cat lady living there but I don't think there were as many cats. I'm gagging to think of what it must smell like in that apartment. Even with the windows open I'll bet those cleaning ladies want to vomit. I do just looking at them.

Frog Fingers

2004-12-03T01:02:00.000-05:00

D had work tonight so I was free to go and have some fun. I went over to see Flatlinegirl and Livesemenpellets and we played Grand Theft Auto again. My skill level has increased since the last time I played but I still suck.

LSP has some unusual pets. I got to meet some of them. The first was a frog. You know, the kind that have little suction cups on the ends of their fingers. This one looked innocent enough sitting in someone's hands but FLG put him on the side of her aquarium and he stretched his arms and legs out. That made him look kind of large and I was a bit creeped out.

I shouldn't have acknowledged my creeped-outness because as soon as I said it was kind of scary FLG brought the frog over and let me hold it. It was kind of sticky and it seemed to prefer sitting on the cuff of my shirt more than my hand. I didn't want it to pee on my shirt so I gave him back. She brought out a ghecko next but he was too shy to come out of his house.

When I got home, I petted the cat because she needed some attention after being left alone all day. Of course she noticed my frog-scented fingers and tried to have a taste. I'm not sure but I think she liked the flavour. She seemed to be more interested in my fingers than the meal I put out for her. Why do animals like stinky things?

Bear of the day

2004-12-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

I probably have a porn addiction. I waste a lot of time looking for hot guys online and downloading videos. Although I'm not proud of my weakness, I'll have to admit that being a slave to my penis is not always a bad thing.

I like checking out the guys on Big Muscle Bears. A lot of they guys look the same and the ones who are featured are not always hot. All you need to do is pay money and your pics will get put in rotation. Unfortunately, the guys with money are not always the hottest. But if you take the time to look, there are some hotties to be seen.

Some of the pics are rude too. I can't remember which guy it is but there's some weirdo there who's taken a pic with his ass in a sling and it looks like he's just been violated with a fire hydrant. I don't know who gets turned on by looking inside some dude's rectum.

Check out member number 652. I think he's hot in army fatigues. If only he lived in Hamilton.

I have a not-hot list too. Members 2445 or 10546 are enough to make me want to go straight. Have these men ever had a date?

Return of the stalker

2004-11-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

I had almost forgotten about the cigarette stalker. It's been weeks since I've seen him. The Charles Manson wanna-be vacated his apartment a while ago and I was starting to think the two of them had left together. Until now.

I only saw the stalker outside while he paced around the neighbourhood. He went inside often enough but I'd never see any lights come on when he did. I wondered what he did in the dark. I'm disturbed this evening to see that he smokes inside as much as he does outside.

He hasn't turned any lights on but from across the street I can see his blinds are open. He's lighted 9 or 10 tea lights and spaced them evenly along his front window ledge. They share the ledge with his unusual collection of glass vases which are scattering and diffusing their light.

I've been at my computer for an hour and a half and he's been pacing his living room and chainsmoking the whole time. It's really distracting. He's like a zombie. He's got this pot belly that makes him look about eight months pregnant and he has his arms folded, resting over his gut while he paces back and forth staring straight ahead. His pace is pretty slow until he lights a cigarette. Then he begins to pace faster and faster and sometimes he'll walk in circles. His right arm mechanically brings the cigarette up to his lips every few seconds but he keeps staring straight ahead even while he's taking a drag.

I still think he needs a TV or something but it looks like he'll have to get electricity before he even thinks about getting cable.

I can't help but worry about Pedro who has to walk under the stalker's window to get home safely. I think I should tell him to start walking on my side of the street.

A Prayer to St. Martha

2004-11-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit of a food snob. I give in to cravings for KFC and other junk food now and then but I'm pretty fussy about restaurants and made-to-order food in general. My snobbery doesn't cover home-cooked fare. It's the meals I pay for that I critique. And it's not so much as the dish itself as much as the cook's skill (or want of) , the ingredients and the all-important presentation.

I worked in a restaurant for a while where I learned a lot about cooking. It was one of those rare places where nothing was bought pre-made and absolutely everything was made from scratch. The chef was a genius and a perfectionist and there was nothing we wouldn't try to make no matter how difficult. I'm proud to say I never broke a mayonnaise.

After working there, I've always looked closely at what I'm eating in a restaurant. I notice if the lettuce in the salad was torn by hand or cut with a knife. I appreciate home made pasta over the dried variety. And I can tell a powdered soup stock a mile away.

So every day I go to the cafeteria at work and more often than not I'm disappointed. I know they try hard. It looks like the kind of place where they only hire people who have some kind of diploma in culinary arts to flip their burgers. So even though I'm probably not qualified to run the dishwasher, I can't help but critique the menu.

Every day they put out a display of all their specials (I think they should invest in some plastic food for display because 90% of what they serve is always the same). Recently they've tried to make some of the plates more interesting by getting creative with their garnish. Their favourite trick is to take a squirt bottle of mustard and decorate the edges of the plates with stars and squiggles. I'm wondering who's seven year old kid thought that up?

I feel sorry for some of them. You can almost feel their broken spirits as they realize they went to college to get a job making grilled cheese sandwiches and fries. The only ones who seem fulfilled are the mentally challenged people who bus the tables. I really admire their determination.

Those poor cooks must know how to make a bechemel. They must dream of they day they can open their own restaurants and serve soup made with real stock. They must pray some mornings to St. Martha, the patron saint of cooks, that today will be the day they will be able to serve quality food.

I know I do. But it seems like Martha's got other priorities.

Damn! I feel like a woman

2004-11-25T21:32:00.000-05:00

My engine light has been coming on for a while now and I've been ignoring it because it's supposedly not a huge deal unless it's flashing. I took a few guesses at what the problem was but I had no luck. Until today, when I lost my power steering on my way to work. It wasn't a huge ordeal, just a bit difficult to get around corners and park.

At work I asked a friend where the closest Canadian Tire was. She gave me easy directions which I only listened to with half an ear (I was trying to multitask at the time). So I had only myself to blame when I got lost in suburban Mississauga without power steering.

I found the store eventually. Of course I didn't ask for help from any pedestrians. I couldn't bring myself to asking for directions because it would be too embarrassing to learn from a stranger that I was only a block away from my destination. So I took the long way there but I arrived at my destination with my pride in tact.

Thank god some parts of my male brain are wired properly. I had never been in the store before but I was able to walk straight to the automotive section without having to ask anyone where it was. While I was there, I decided I'd need rags and a funnel to top up my fluid. I started to feel handy so also decided to pick up a new signal light and some new wiper blades while I was there.

I had no trouble at all topping up my power steering fluid but that was about all I could do. The signal light requires a full set of screwdrivers and an undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering. The windshield wipers were equally challenging and I could only change one of them. My puffed up male ego was quickly deflating.

After I gave up on the wiper blades, I got back in my car and cleaned the dirt off my hands with some moist towlettes. I started my engine and the bloody warning light still stayed on. I was seriously starting to doubt my mechanical abilities at that point. I guess I make a better banker than a grease monkey. I'm glad I have an appointment Saturday morning at the dealership to get some things looked after. Not only will everything be done right, but I'll get to admire his cute butt while he works under my hood.

To beard or not to beard

2004-11-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't run out of things to say. I've tried a couple of times to put posts up in the last week and for some stupid reason my words get lost by blogger. It pisses me off when I take the time to write something and it just evaporates for reasons unknown. Rather then try to reconstruct what I wrote, I just turn my attentions to downloading porn or turning off the computer all together.

I'd been growing a beard for a couple of months. Some would say I hadn't shaved. But I don't see it that way because it makes it sound like you've neglected some duty. I prefer to use the active verb "bearding" which sounds more like you're achieving something.

I noticed in the last couple of weeks the beard seemed to take on it's own identity. It changed my face and because I wasn't 100% used to it, it would startle me a bit to see it in a mirror. I've always been more of a goatee guy. Every year or so I try a beard and I'm usually not happy with the results. This year was no different so yesterday I put my beard trimmer on #2 and buzzed it down to almost nothing. I feel more like myself now. When will I ever learn?

FLG (Flatlinegirl) invited me over last night to play video games with her and LSP (Live Semen Pellet). We played Grand Theft Auto and I sucked. I stopped playing video games around the time they were played with either joysticks or paddles so I'm a bit slow to learn how to use a control with 20 knobs and buttons. I was better at the arcade games within the game than at the game itself. They were easier. But LSP still kicked my ass on them.

LSP is also "bearding". He's been doing it longer than I was and it's getting quite bushy. I'm not sure I could have let mine go that long. I had planned to let it go all winter but like I said, it had it's own identity and the power struggle was making me uncomfortable. I wonder how long LSP can hold out before he brings out the razor.

I borrowed a copy of Spirited Away from FLG. I enjoy anime and I was looking forward to seeing this one. I showed D this morning and he gave it a funny look and said he didn't want to see it. He doesn't want to watch a cartoon (?). I explained that anime was different from Western animation but he didn't care (and apparently he knew that already). I think it's funny that someone who works in the film industry would say something so silly. I'm a bit pissed off at him for being so closed minded. But I'm going to wait a bit before I tell him tactfully that he sounds ignorant.

The worlds most trusted news source......

2004-11-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

can always be trusted to portray any world event in a way that makes it look like chaos is just around the corner. CBC reported Yasser Arafat's death with a relatively recent picture of him smiling. BBC showed the pensive looking face of a young (and rather attractive) Palestinian man as he pondered the leader's death. CNN's coverage was accompanied by a picture of people burning tires in the street. If CNN was my only window on the world this afternoon I'd have thought riots had broken out. What losers.

Women

2004-11-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

For the record. It seems that lesbians are not men with vaginas. One of the dykes we met with was pretty macho (bullish?). She had a near brush-cut and talked about how she used to work on a construction site (which was totally cool). But under the leather and the persona, there was a woman. A woman who gushed over a bit with her ideas that were mysteriously connected. A woman who got pissed off with men who could not read her mind. You know how women are with men. They want men to say something, won't say what it is they want, they get pissed off when the men don't exhibit ESP and they refuse to say what's on their mind. Lesbians can be like that too.

It makes sense. After all, gay men are just like straight men in a lot of ways. They are as horny as hell. They say what they have to so they can get laid. They don't call when they promise. It's why gay men and women can sympathize with each other so well when they complain about their love lives. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that lesbians can be as difficult to deal with as other women.

Dumped by Dykes

2004-11-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

I was going to write today that I still hadn't heard anything from the lesbians. I was going to write about my policy of meeting silence with silence and how I intended to forget about them because I had left the ball in their court as far as I was concerned. But I decided to check my email before I wrote in my blog and learned that they finally wrote back.

It was a lot like getting dumped. They say D and I are "nice" enough but they don't feel a connection. Which is fine. But it still feels like being dumped. Yet unlike your girlfriend who dumped you when you were eighteen, the dykes have asked if I would like them to mention my name to other lesbians who want to be moms. Being turfed in high school would be so much easier to deal with if the person who dumped you felt an obligation to hook you up with someone else.

As kind as it was, it feels like a consolation prize. But that's OK. I liked them but they weren't ideal. So I guess it's for the better. And I do appreciate the offer for them to do some networking because I don't know many dykes.

No Reply

2004-11-08T20:08:00.000-05:00

After our baby date last night I sent of a quick, polite email telling Regan and Sarah that we enjoyed meeting them. They haven't written back. I know Regan works on computers all day so she must have read it. I think they are feeling awkward.

I just wanted to meet and see how we got along. I found it a little bit like a job interview that I hadn't prepared for. I was taken aback by a couple of questions and I think that may have annoyed them.

Even though we're fags and they are dykes, the evening was filled with the tension of a straight-date where everyone is wondering if they will get laid or not. I expected that and that's why I wanted to get to know them, their communication styles etc, before we talked about anything really hard core. But no, they were a bit impatient. I think one of their biological clocks was ticking loudly so I shouldn't be surprised.

In the end, we confirmed that they want more kids than I feel comfortable supporting. They also want someone close to Toronto because they want the dad to be involved fifty percent of the time. Call me selfish but I've been expecting that a lesbian couple would want the fathers to have less involvement. I don't mean no involvement. I just mean a weekend kind of dad who the kids can stay with for extended periods when the mom(s) need a vacation. I have no problem with paying for half of everything and saving for their education. I just feel the kids should have a primary home where they spend most of the time and that's pretty hard to accomplish if each parent wants them half the time. I've kind of warmed up to the idea of being a dad and having some freedom too. So I find the idea of sharing 50/50 between 2 households a bit daunting and possibly hard on the kids. Especially if those households are in different cities. And I didn't even bring the subject up of buying real estate together so we could live in close proximity.

I haven't written them off. Like I said, I kind of liked them. But they have to decide if they can handle having their 4 kids with 2 or more dads (I'd be ok with that as long as mine were smarter and better looking [kiddding]). It looks like it's a choice they will have to make because they say all the men they meet want just one or 2 kids at the most. That could present more issues if both dads want different levels of involvement. And how would we handle living arrangements? It would be a bloody commune for christ sake.

Straight people have it so easy. Maybe I just should have pretended I was straight and filed for divorce afther the kids were born.

Baby Date

2004-11-07T22:22:00.000-05:00

I'm back from the baby date. The lesbians were nice. Not unattractive at all and very easy to talk too. I actually liked them. I'm not sure anything will become of it. They live in Toronto and want someone to share custody of the kids 50/50. That can be hard while I'm in Hamilton.

Did I mention they want 4 kids? I like the idea of having a lot of kids but I'm not sure how I feel about the expenses. But we'll have to see how it develops. I've learned that they are baby dating several men so there's no reason I shouldn't be talking to more lesbians.

Mission Failed

2004-11-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

I picked up the DVD today and watched it patiently hoping to see Colin's goods. But I'd been misled. There was no money shot. I'd waited all weekend and now I feel ripped off. If anyone knows who has a copy of an R version, please let me know. I beg you.

I hope that's the worst of my luck this weekend. D and I are on our way out to meet Sarah and Regan. I'm hoping I like them and that we can move toward some serious discussions about co-parenting.

I'll write more later to let everyone know what happened.

Quest for Cock

2004-11-06T18:22:00.000-05:00

We bought our DVD player today and went out to get a copy of Colin Farrell's new movie. We checked 3 stores and no luck.

I guess we aren't the only fags in town who want a closer look at the object of our fantasies. We saw a couple we know who came into the store just as we were leaving. I have not doubt they were there for a peek at Colin's private parts too.

You can bet that we will be at the video store before noon tomorrow. And I won't leave until I get a copy. I want that man's cock in my living room now.

Kiss my face

2004-11-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

I came across an old commercial for KISS face makeup. I'm not sure I remember the commercial from it's first run (I might be too young for that). But the kids look the way kids did just a few short years before I went to high school so I'm sure it's something me and/or my friends wanted for Christmas one year. I thank my parents for having the wisdom not to buy it.

I think it's impressive how this makeup alone helps these boys get in touch with their inner glam-rocker. Neither unflattering hair nor off-the-rack wardrobes from Sears can stand in the way of a home rock concert that can repel even the most jaded suburban house wife.

Click here to see how you too could have been transformed into a memeber of KISS.

Colin Farrell - uncut

2004-11-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

I don't own a DVD player. I almost never rent movies so I've never felt the need for one. Until recently I've always been able to find a title I want to watch on VHS. But I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder to find stuff that's worth watching.

D was out yesterday picking up a movie for us to watch last night. He noticed that Colin Farrell's new movie was out on DVD. I think it's "A Home at the End of the World." I've heard there's some full frontal shots of Colin that were cut from the theater version (ouch) which have been left in the DVD version. Of course they don't have this title on VHS at all. So if you haven't guessed already were going to pick up a DVD player today and then going straight to Block Buster for tonight's entertainment.

To each his own

2004-11-04T20:55:00.000-05:00

I was buying my lunch at work today and I overheard some guy ask for gravy on his salad. For real. I felt sorry for the guy who actually had to ladle the gravy on his California greens without cracking a smile.

I got in line to pay for my sandwich and gravy man stood in line behind me. I couldn't help but take a peek at his plate to see what salad greens looked like with gravy. They were a little wilty but otherwise they were holding up pretty good. Then I turned my back to him and waited until I got to the front of the line. For some reason I thought I might have to laugh out loud if I looked at him.

I was putting my change in my pocked when the cashier started to help gravy man. He asked her if she had any peanut butter. The only other thing he had on his plate was some perogies with fried onions. God only knows what he wanted with peanut butter.

Cool?

2004-11-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

I don't understand why some people don't vote. Iv'e heard that part of the reason Kerry lost was because he failed to motivate younger people with Democratic values to get off their asses and make a statement.

It's not his fault at all. I've heard countless Canadians say they don't feel like voting for one reason for another. I can't imagine that Americans' reasons for not voting are just as lame-ass. Like the "They all just lie" excuse. I'm not saying no politician has ever lied but I'm sure your doctor has lied too and you're still going to use his services when you're sick. In fact, everyone's lied but that doesn't disqualify us from the responsibilities of life and work. Somehow, life goes on despite our flaws.

And I hate it when people use defeatist reasoning like "My one vote won't change anything." Just what is that supposed to mean? That voting would only be a worthwhile activity if you were the only one doing it and your's was the only vote that counted?

The most pathetic excuse I've ever heard is "I don't want to vote because I feel disengaged from a political system that doesn't work for me." Or phrased another way "I'll get involved with the system when I see that it's working." How does that work? You disengaged from the political system because you feel disengaged from the political system? Did I get that right? And all along I thought you were disengaged BECAUSE you didn't vote. Just wondering.. let's say the system happened to work satisfactorily for you without your vote, what would be your motivation to start voting? The system works for you when you get involved because the system works for people who are involved.

Some people are reluctant to get involved in political discussions or activities (like voting) because it's not cool. It's something they associate with older people or uptight church-going reactionaries. Unfortunately, the old folks and the church-goers ARE involved and will STAY involved even if you don't. When you don't cast your vote, you give their vote more weight. What's so cool about that?

I'm not trying to convince anyone to vote. I'm just saying how lame some excuses are and how costly some mistakes are. I'm sure there's a few hundred thousand people in the U.S. who wish they had gone out and tried to make a difference.

Stupid Americans

2004-11-03T21:19:00.000-05:00

I'm not surprised by the U.S. election but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed by it. Just in case the election results weren't enough to convince you they're not too bright, I've decided to share some quotations I've heard on American news programs:

When asked to talk about her experience voting, some woman said "We came to vote and there was a 2 hour line up. I said 'Whoa. I'm not waiting 2 hours.' so we went shopping." The reporter asked how long they had to wait to vote after they came back from shopping and she answered "About 2 hours." Did this woman think they would not let anyone join the back of the lineup while she was away?

Some hick was asked why he voted for Bush and he answered "I just wanted someone who was family orientated and not too liberal." That's not a typo. He said orientated. I would have loved to tell him that he may feel smart using a word like orientated but that it made him sound stupid because the word is actually "oriented." And why the hell is Liberal a bad word in the U.S. anyway?

I heard a woman say "I just voted for the man who I thought the Lord wanted to be president." For fuck sakes lady. If the Lord cared who was president he'd cast a vote. Why do people invoke their god when they win? Like the fact they won proves the existence of their god?

And then some I heard some other loser say "I just wanted to vote for someone who could make a decision and go with it." OK then. Let's never mind that Bush makes the wrong decisions and lets just be glad that whatever decisions he makes, he sticks to! I guess if Bush made a wrong turn and started to drive the wrong way up a one way street, he'd just keep driving into oncoming traffic because it's better to stick with a decision than to change your mind.

As bad as I feel about another four years of the Bush dynasty, I think the Americans got exactly what they deserve.

Ugly Americans

2004-11-01T23:44:00.000-05:00

I don't mean every American. Some are hot. I'm talking about the ones I see on news channels talking about the election. What the hell is wrong with these people? Has no one looked in the mirror before appearing on camera and thought "Shit. I need a better haircut."

It's not that they are ugly in the Quasimodo sense of the word. I mean they're aesthetically challenged. Especially in the hair and makeup department. Everyone looks like plastic because they have too much makeup on. It's bad enough they are all wearing patriotic blue suits with white shirts and red ties. But the plastic doll-heads make them look like and army of androids.

Makeup tip: I know it's expensive but don't be tempted to save money by applying makeup to the front of your head only. It leaves a tell-tale line down the sides of your face that whispers "incompetence."

Then there's the hair. I've seen more wigs and toupees on TV tonight than I have in my life. The men are the worst. Just give it up guys. It's OK to loose one's hair as long as it's done with dignity. Look at Peter Mansbridge. And if you're going to dye your hair, don't dye it so it looks like a wig. Try some hilites.

And one last word. Never, never let your wife cut your hair. I don't care if everyone in your congregation does it. There's limits to what can be accomplished with a Flo-Bee.

Devil's Night

2004-11-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm writing this. But I think "Devil's Night" is the most stupid thing I've heard of. Basically, it's a poor excuse for some punks without a life to be vandals.

I used to be one of thos punks. But seriously, when I did shit like that I would do mostly harmless stuff like soap windows or throw toilet paper in trees. I did go through a phase when I made pipe bombs with friends but we always set them off in places where they would only wake the neighbours and not damage any property (except for the one time we hurt a mailbox, but I didn't light the fuse on that one).

Some morons decided it would be funny to walk down Locke St and tip over anything that looked like it wasn't bolted down. The fuckers tipped over a park bench, dumped a couple of concrete planters and tipped over a concrete garbage can breaking it to pieces. And that's only what I could see from in front of my building (not to mention the egg that now covers my front window). I'm wishing I'd seen who did it. Those little bastards need a police record.

Still here

2004-11-01T20:20:00.000-05:00

I haven't written much for the last while. Actually, I wrote quite a lot one day and lost it all when the blogger fucked up. I was a bit pissed so I decided to lay off a while.

Not much has been going on. Darcy is growing fast and she's a little bugger around the house. Our furniture is still covered with accents of tinfoil and two sided tape but as least the cat is not clawing the shit out of it.

The weekend here was another exercise in wasted time. My neighbour upstairs, Mike, decides he's going to have people over after midnight Friday and that they're going to smoke up and play some tunes. I'm tired of his shit. He was one complaint away from being evicted for noise but I agreed to give him another chance. He promised he would turn down the tunes if I went upstairs and told him when it was too loud. The problem now is that he just blasts his tunes whenever he wants until I complain. He doesn't give a fuck if he's woken me up at 12, 2, or 4 am. But he turns it down (a bit) if I go through the trouble of getting dressed and going upstairs and pounding on his door.

He was a bit of a loser Friday. He was stoned and he tried to be all tough and smart with me. He said that he's friends with the tenants in the other 3 units in our building and they're on his side so it's basically 3 against one (how pathetic). I told him it was one against one and that anyone else who has anything to say about it can fuck themselves. He tried to tell me that he used to be a legal secretary and that he'd been keeping notes about every time I went up to his apartment to complain about the noise. I thanked him for keeping records that prove my point. Then I told him I'd just talk to the property manager.

He got scared because he started to change his attitude then he insisted I come in for a beer. He tried to tell me that both him and his girlfriend make over 100 thousand per year (why he thought that was important I don't know). He says he manages all the Kelsey's and Montana's in this area. If that's true, I suspect he makes a lot less than what he's claiming. I told D about that and he just laughed. Apparently D was cleaning up some garbage downstairs after the racoons got into it and he found one of Mike's pay stubs. I won't say exactly what it said but even if he's had a promotion since that time I doubt he's making half of what he claims to be making. (I feel a bit bad knowing that but it wasn't me who was nosy)

He asked what I did and his eyes bugged out a bit when I told him I work for a bank. He seemed relieved to find out I didn't work for his bank. After that he made quite an effort to tell me he pays all his bills on time and everything is up to date (as if I cared). He even told me he pays his rent in cash despite our landlord's complaints. Maybe it's the banker in me but people who insist on paying cash for shit like that are probably up to something. Either he's up to something or his credit sucks and he can't open a bank account anywhere.

Mike also told me he was a graphic designer. He said he had four computers but I only saw one. Maybe he's got 3 in his bedroom. He also told me he used to drive transport. That's a lot of work experience for someone who's 25. Maybe he has a business for himself on the side but I still think he's stretching things a bit. I don't care either way. As long as he learns to keep the fucking noise down.

We agreed that I would not talk to the property manager. He said he would turn the music down if I called. I have his number now and I hope for his sake I don't have to use it.

Cell phone piss

2004-10-24T21:34:00.000-04:00

While I was in the Burlington mall today I made a stop in the washroom. While I was there I heard some guy talking as he walked in. The loser was on a cell phone and I could hear the voice of the woman he was talking to on the other end.

What the fuck is that all about? What was he talking about that was so important that it just couldn't wait? I couldn't tell what he was talking about. He was speaking some Slavic sounding language and that's all I could tell. He was probably telling the woman on the other end how much the bathroom stank.

So then for the hell of it I let out a couple of grunts and flushed the toilet. I don't normally do that while I'm in the bathroom (grunt I mean) but I've heard other people do it so I thought I'd make some noise to enhance to the "atmosphere." I thought for sure that would make him hang up but he kept right on talking like nothing happened. He was taking a piss for god sake and didn't flush his own urinal!

He didn't leave and I realized that he was probably up to something. Something like taking a call from his mistress while his wife waited outside. Who knows? So then I had the embarassing predicament of having to walk out before he left. I'm sure I'm not the first person he's heard grunting in the bathroom so he probably didn't think anything of it. But being a non-grunter myself I felt very self concious as I washed/dried my hands and left.

4some

2004-10-20T21:31:00.000-04:00

Get your mind out of the gutter. No I did not get laid. But D and I are meeting the lesbians (Regan and Sarah) for dinner late next week. Apparently they're coming to Hamilton for a lesbian bath house. We've exchanged a lot of emails and we're ready to meet face to face. It's kind of scary.

I'm shocked at the bath house thingy. I'm not a prude (as those who really know me will tell you) but I had no idea that such a thing ever happened here. It's probably a one-night event at one of the established all-male bath houses like pussy palace or whatever the hell it is in Toronto. I'll find out when and where and post it here later (or not, no sense in raising the "Hamilton-Homphobe" alarm bells). Maybe I'll announce it after the fact. That is, if the sex-police don't bust it and it's front page news in Friday's Spectator.