Top Dog: Evil tenant

My time living in my apartment has been torture. I hate my neighbour upstairs. I hate their music, their TV shows and their shouts in the hallway. I hate the way the slam the doors every fucking day and I hate hearing their beer bottles rattle when they are stocking up for a party.

It's nothing personal. But they're annoying to live with. I'm pissed off at my landlord too because he wouldn't do anything about the noise despite all my complaints. Now that I'm leaving, I have my chance to piss him off.

Contrary to previous posts, I am evil sometimes. I was in denial about that until Flatlinegirl reminded me I was definitely evil (not including my aberrant sexual behavior which make me even more evil).

I couldn't move out of here without knowing I had the last laugh on my landlord. Now that I've given my notice, he's showing the apartment to prospective tenants and I'm making my apartment as unattractive as possible. I have a checklist of things to do before anyone's brought through:

• Open windows a crack to amplify noise from passing traffic.
• Open blinds to show off egg on front window which has not been cleaned since it was thrown there on Devil's Night.
  
• Turn TV off so neighbour upstairs can be heard playing music, walking, vacuuming or whatever.
• Run hot water 5 minutes before scheduled visit so noisy hot water heater roars into action when everyone arrives.
• Leave as everyone is coming in and slam downstairs door on my way out so prospective tenants can tell how thin the walls are.

I've also started packing even though I don't take possession of my new place for six weeks. I don't need six weeks to pack. But I do need to pull everything I own out of the closets and spread it about the apartment to make it seem small and cramped. I've also got empty boxes stacked strategically so it looks like I'm packing.

A certain evil cub suggested that I set some mouse traps where they can be seen. I'd already thought of it and I would do it if I wasn't afraid that my cat would hurt herself with them. Maybe I'll invest in some roach motels and ant traps.

Supposedly, he's advertising this place as a two bedroom apartment. D was here yesterday when a couple was coming through. One of them asked "where's the second bedroom?" and D said "We've been here 3 years and we still don't know." Good thing the landlord didn't hear.

I doubt he'll attract a tenant before I leave. If he does, I'll be sure to leave a copy of any applicable noise bylaws for them to read and an ample supply of hearing protection.

It's fun to be evil.