I have myself to blame (Part I)

for putting myself in this situation. But my relationship sucks at the moment and I have no one else to blame.

I drive D to work because he does not have a car. He doesn’t have a car because he hasn’t been able to save for one and he refuses to get a loan. So if I want him to work, I have to drive him. It’s a responsibility that has me up before 6 every day and not home in the evening until 8 at the earliest.

I work part time on the same production he works on. So besides the long days Monday to Friday, I work night shift Friday and Saturday. D also works part time on the same production (in a different job category) on weekends as well as full time through the week so he’s in seven days a week. So guess who chauffers his ass on weekends too?

I’m at the breaking point because I’m running myself into the ground. I have to argue with D to have the AC on in the condo so I can sleep comfortably at night. He’d rather save money. Last year I did the same thing (minus the part time night-shift work) and I lasted only six weeks before I lost my temper with him and gave him an ultimatum. I think I was less resilient because we didn’t have AC last year and I slept like crap every night.

Luckily, he was able to negotiate a production vehicle from work so I had the rest of the summer off as he drove himself. I had hoped he’d be able to do the same this year but it hasn’t worked out.

So last Tuesday I was happy to get a call from D saying he had a vehicle that day and I didn’t need to pick him up. That meant I didn’t have to get up early the next morning either so I was thrilled at the prospect of eight hours sleep. Wednesday, I didn’t hear from him and I thought he may need a ride so I drove to the production after I got off work and called him and left a message to let him know I was there to pick him up and to please call if he didn’t need a ride. A half hour later, no call from D and I called him again. A half hour later, no call from D and I tried to reach him a third time. Fifteen minutes later, he called and asked, rudely, what I wanted. I was taken back so I paused and by the time I started to speak he decided I had nothing important to say so he hung up on me.

I was furious so I drove home. If he was looking at the road in front of the production, D would have seen me doing 120 in a 70 zone. I think he saw me because after I flew by he called again. I gave him shit for not returning my call and hanging up on me. Then he said something stupid (can’t remember what it was) and again I was taken back. I paused and he hung up on me before I could gather my thoughts.

I got home and put my dinner on. I couldn’t decided if he was going to wait for me to finish dinner before I went to pick him up or if he was just going to have to call a cab.

He called finally, I told him he would be waiting for a ride. Then he told me “I don’t need a ride, I told you I have a truck until Thursday.” Lying fucker. He did not. I think I would have been very exited indeed if he had told me that because I would have realized I’d get lots of sleep for the next three nights. But that’s not what he said.

I told him I was pissed because I wasted my evening. He didn’t apologize and said it was my fault. I also told him I didn’t like the way he yelled at me on the phone and hung up on me. He said he was busy and that was too bad.

I started the evening feeling like a caring person who was mindful of D’s needs and I drove out of my way just in case he needed a ride. How did I end up being talked to like I was stupid? Why do I bother getting upset when I know an apology would smooth things over but I’ll never hear one. Why do I still drive his ass to work?