Ugly Americans

I don't mean every American. Some are hot. I'm talking about the ones I see on news channels talking about the election. What the hell is wrong with these people? Has no one looked in the mirror before appearing on camera and thought "Shit. I need a better haircut."

It's not that they are ugly in the Quasimodo sense of the word. I mean they're aesthetically challenged. Especially in the hair and makeup department. Everyone looks like plastic because they have too much makeup on. It's bad enough they are all wearing patriotic blue suits with white shirts and red ties. But the plastic doll-heads make them look like and army of androids.

Makeup tip: I know it's expensive but don't be tempted to save money by applying makeup to the front of your head only. It leaves a tell-tale line down the sides of your face that whispers "incompetence."

Then there's the hair. I've seen more wigs and toupees on TV tonight than I have in my life. The men are the worst. Just give it up guys. It's OK to loose one's hair as long as it's done with dignity. Look at Peter Mansbridge. And if you're going to dye your hair, don't dye it so it looks like a wig. Try some hilites.

And one last word. Never, never let your wife cut your hair. I don't care if everyone in your congregation does it. There's limits to what can be accomplished with a Flo-Bee.