I haven't been bitching here much recently. I was torn trying to decide if putting my rants etc. into written word was really venting and had some value, or if it was reinforcing negative feelings and patterns. I can say with certainty that both are true. Sometimes it's good (or at least it feels good) to write shit down as you work things out. And sometimes it's a waste of time because, in the end, nothing changes until you change it.

But I do miss the complaining. I also miss writing some random observations as they occur to me. Flatlinegirl's Le Chateau bag in a tree reminded me that there's a lot of things to complain about that don't necessarily distract you from having a healthy perspective.

I'm also feeling a bit less like I need to complain. I think I'm over the worst of my steroid-induced mood swings. My doses are getting lower and I'm feeling a bit more normal. I went shopping yesterday and noticed I didn't want to shove confused seniors out of my way as they shuffled up the aisles.

Recently, my doctor changed my diagnosis from colitis to Crohn's disease which is supposedly not a good thing. The good news (if you can call it good) about colitis is that it could be "cured" with surgical removal of your colon.(?) That would be good news if you were bleeding to death but most people I know wouldn't consider that a miracle of modern medicine. Crohn's disease has no such "cure." So I guess it fills the future with a bit more uncertainty but since there is little I can do about it I'll just take things day by day.

In the meanwhile, I'm taking Imuran now. It's an anti-rejection drug that's normally used for transplant patients but it helps with Crohn's too. It takes a long time to work. I've been on it for a month now and getting weekly blood tests and so far I'm tolerating the drug OK. It doesn't seem to be helping yet but it can take months to have an effect. I'm hoping it starts to work by the time I stop taking prednisone so I can get off it and stay off it. I'd like to be not-bitchy and not-sick when summer gets here.

The only thing I'll miss about prednisone is the hair growth. I swear that some thin spots on my beard have started to fill in and my chest hair is a bit more dense. Having the thing for body hair that I do, I'll miss it if I loose it.

Things that piss me off

Prednisone is a wonderful drug. It controls my illness better than anything I've tried so far. But it's starting to make my face puffy and it fucks up my sleep and gives me weird dreams (unless I take it early in the morning). Did I mention that it also gives me the worst mood swings. I've learned from experience that when things are starting to bother me, I have to say so right away. If I don't, something snaps, I loose my temper, and then the cat gets upset with me.

Going out in public can be a chore. I was shopping in Longo's yesterday and it was all I could do not to tell some old ladies to get the fuck out of my way with their shopping carts full of red meat and herbal tea. No matter which way I moved, someone else got in my way and everyone was taking their sweet time poking around. I almost had to abandon my shopping cart and leave before I assaulted someone with a tin of frozen fruit juice.

So that's number one on my list of piss-offs....people who mill about and get in my way.

Number two is my upstairs neighbour who has to drop shit on the floor every fucking night. I'm serious, if she's not clicking around in her hoochie-boots she's dropping pocket-change, silverware, her remote control, marbles or something. I want to go up and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. But if I do, I'm afraid she'll tell me she's got ALS or something and I'll feel like shit.

Number three is people who don't listen. I don't mind helping people at work. But some people have thick skulls and I get pissed when I have to repeat myself. I'm starting to get a bit rude with some people. I mean, if you don't understand English, I can't help you.

Four - the vague feeling I'm being judged or criticized. I don't normally care what people think and I can usually let stuff go. But these days I have zero tolerance for anyone who thinks they know better than me. About my own life that is. There's a lot I've lived through and a lot I live with that makes me who I am. I'm one of the last people to judge others. So if you don't like something about be, just fuck off. Don't stand there waiting for me to tell you twice....FUCK OFF

Five - shitty porn.

Six - bad strippers. Especially ones with flat feet. You shouldn't be stepping on stage without good arches.

Seven - Stephen Harper. Or anyone else who looks like they're wearing a hair piece and lip gloss.

Eight - The middle aged women who giggled during scenes of Brokeback Mountain with man-man sex or intimacy. I found it kind of hot but a group of sex-deprived housefraus thought it was all funny. If they think that's funny I have some porn that will have them rolling on the floor.

Nine - People who piss in my alley and the smell of urine that sometimes makes it's way into the garbage room downstairs.

Ten - People who have nothing nice to say.