I guess god wasn't listening

Yesterday, someone I work with mentioned a prayer vigil he attended over the weekend. He said he went and prayed for something to stop equal marriage from becoming law.

I'm used to his lunacy. He has to drive his family to work and school every morning and it's a schedule that brings him to his own work a half hour early every day. So he does what any normal person would do with a half hour to kill: he reads his bible.(?) This comes as no surprise coming from the same guy who thinks homosexuality is a mental illness.

I remember one time when I wanted something more than anything else and I prayed for it. OK, OK, I was 14 and it was the only way I could think of get what I wanted. For the first time, I had a reason to suspect I was gay and I was horrified. So I prayed to be straight. Didn't work.

Maybe it was my spotty attendance record at Sunday school or my meager tithe (I only had a small paper route for god sake). Or, maybe it was my chronic habit of taking the lord's name in vain.

He did meet me half way, sorta. I was able to take advantage of the fact that I'm somewhat bisexual and I ignored a whole half of myself until my late 20's. But I finally had to accept my gayness whether I liked it or not. It wasn't so bad.

Anyhow, I'm not surprised that my colleague's prayers went unanswered. Either god wasn't listening or there was a homo somewhere praying louder and longer than anyone. I personally think god doesn't give a damn either way.

My life's not that bad after all

The joy of living downtown isn't just having every gay bar within walking distance. It also brings you close to fucked up people who's lives have gone off the rails. Given my proximity to the local methadone clinic, the addicts are never far.

Anyhow, I was approached by a homeless guy in the parking lot the day I moved in here. He was some shabby, skeletal guy who looked like he hadn't bathed/shaved/showered for months. I'd never seen him before but since then I see him at least twice per week all over the place. It's weird how he stood out in my mind. It's not like he was attractive or anything.

Then I had a disturbing thought. Recently, I heard about a friend from high school. Apparently he's been in jail and he's addicted to crack or crystal meth.

Now I have a feeling that this emaciated guy might be my friend from high school. He's the right height and build but I can't tell from the face because he's like a skull with skin and a beard. I thought he was way older than me but I guess meth (or whatever) will do that to you.

I don't think I'll ever ask his name. I'm not sure it's a friendship I'd like to rekindle. But even if it's not him, I feel sorry for the family and friends who care about him.

Next Stupid Question

I was shopping early today for a father's day card (I'm not usually this organized). So I went to the Carleton store in the Burlington Mall and had a look at what they had. Then this girl who works there walked up to me and asked "Can I help you find anything?"

Is it just me or is that the most stupid thing you could ask someone who is browsing in a card shop? I was stunned. I couldn't decide what to say next.

"Yes, can I have a half pound of fair trade Columbian dark roast." or

"I'm not sure. Maybe you can help. I'm looking for a card. Do you have any in stock?" or

"Can you point me to the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender/intersexed wedding and anniversary section? I need something spiritual but non-denominational."

Maybe it's just me. No one I told thought it was a stupid thing for her to ask. But I knew she didn't mean it and she didn't give a damn what I wanted. She just wanted to make sure I knew that she knew I was there so I wouldn't try to pocket anything. After her stupid question, she loitered around and pretended to straighten up the shelves (always keeping me in sight).

Down Town

Venturing out into downtown Hamilton was never frightening when I was younger and/or drunk. But things have changed.

D and I went out for a slice of pizza last week and we passed a disheveled, if not handsome younger man in the street. As he walked by he glared at me and said "...do you think you can read my mind?"

His intonation was the odd part. It wasn't like the thought just popped into his head. It was more like the end of a long rant. It felt like he had been arguing with me long before I knew he was there. I ignored him and hoped he'd continue his argument with the next person he passed in the street.

Then last night, some guy started to yell at us while we walked up King St. He was yelling something about a dog and all I could see was a pit bull running up the street for us. In my mind, I could see the headlines about the city's latest pit bull attack with me as the victim.

We just stood to the side and the dog, thankfully, ran right by us. Then the owner came running up and said "I told you fucking assholes to stop my dog." I couldn't believe it.

First, I don't take orders from short strangers with mullets. Second, I'm not about to challenge a pit bull. I don't care if it could run into traffic. That's what leashes are for and that dog wasn't my responsibility. I might have gone out of my way for a golden lab or a jack russell terrier but not for a pit bull. Sorry.

I wanted to call the man a fucking idiot but I could see from the number of teeth he was missing that he'd been in his share of fights. I decided that I was unlikely to intimidate him. Besides, a short man who needs a pit bull to walk down the street with confidence probably carries a weapon.

Stupid polls

I hate those stupid polls by CNN or other news sites that ask people's opinions on global issues. Like today on Netscape News:

Do you think soldiers who abuse Muslim holy books in front of prisoners should be punished? Yes or no?

Although I wanted to answer with "who cares" I had to choose "no" because it was the closest available answer. I was surprised that two thirds of people don't agree. Maybe I'm not culturally sensitive enough.

Being a mostly non-religious person, I don't see the "abuse" of a holy book as anything to get upset about. It is, after all, just a book. And there's probably another one just like it close by.

Since holy books don't rock my world, I tried to imagine how I would feel if I were in prison and someone destroyed my gay-porn collection or flushed an issue of Fab magazine down the toilet. I decided it wouldn't bother me much. I couldn't imagine it causing an uprising amongst queer inmates or inciting drag queens to riot on Church St. There would be no coverage on Aljazeera.

Sex with cubs

keeps your nose wet and your fur nice and shiny.

Sick day

I usually try to go to work when I'm not feeling well. But today I couldn't think of a good reason to do it.

I can't think of much to write today. Every day seems just like the one before and there only so many ways to say the same thing.

My mind has wandered to the topic of lovers and what good idea it can be to have them. Lovers, or fuck buddies if you prefer, don't interfere with your life at all. They're there to indulge in simple pleasures with you and they aren't around long enough for you to notice their flaws.

Unlike boyfriends, partners, etc, lovers don't have anything to fight about. They can make you feel attractive, desirable and validated instead of feeling like you can never do enough to escape criticism. You can be with your fuck buddy because you want to be and not because he shares your address.

Some might argue that having a lover is selfish but I think the opposite. Because having a lover can be more than no-strings sex, it can be an opportunity to admire someone else without forcing your expectations on them.

If your lover has to leave, say for a fabulous career in another city, you can accept it and remain on good terms. I'd rather know someone was with me because he wanted to be and not because he felt he had to be.